The Ministry of Righteousness

So, last thursday I was talking to my friend Cory who used to go to Truett and shares many mutual friends with me. One friend in particular we started talking about was Jerry St. Pierre. Shocked to have made this connection of an old friend, I began to listen to Cory's description of Jerry as he encompassed his personality flawlessly. You see, my friend Jerry is someone who, as it says in 2 Corinthiains 2, brings the "aroma of Christ" to those who are perishing. I think about that phrase "aroma of Christ"....you see, I have a thing for smells. Taking the risk of sounding creepy, I love the to smell people. haha. yea that was creepy. But I do! Just after a hug, as the smell of someone's shampoo or cologne or perfume lingers, I just love it! I can generally detect someone by their smell. yea yea yea...make your jokes. But anywho, I guess the thing that gets me here is that if we are the aroma of Christ, He should linger with people as we leave them. They should automatically be able to detect that we have been spending time with Him. Jerry is one of those people. The first time I met him, he walked up to me, shook my hand and asked me if I was a Christian. Taken a back and feeling a bit overwhelmed, I answered. But even with such a bold question, I still felt comfortable talking to him about it. I assumed he was a new Christian. Because in my experience, no one that had been a Christian for a long time was so bold in their faith. But God is all he talked about. And the more I got to know him, the more I saw God was real to him, and his love for the Lord seemed so fresh.

Sunday at church, Jerry popped into my mind again. Jarrod started out the sermon by proposing the thought that we too often by into the lie that good things just don't last. Then we looked at 2 Corinthians 3:4-18 which states:

Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. Now if the ministry of death, carved in letters on stone, came with such glory that the Israelites could not gaze at Moses' face because of its glory, which was being brought to an end, will not the ministry of the Spirit have even more glory? For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory. Indeed, in this case, what once had glory has come to have no glory at all, because of the glory that surpasses it. For if what was being brought to an end came with glory, much more will what is permanent have glory. Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

v 4-6: First, just seeing that our dependency on Him is essential because we are to be made competent to live as ministers of the new covenant. And in that, dependency is an engaged and active battle

v 7-11: the glory of God in us, does not fade away. We have been taught our entire lives that a healthy spiritual life is merely a "high" and it will not last. But what these verses talk about is very different. Paul is talking about the law that moses brought down and he saw it as a law of death because it pointed out the sins of people without giving them a way to save themselves from it. Paul makes it clear that this law had so much glory because people couldn't even look at Moses. So how much more will a doctrine that brings us freedom be glorious?! God's glory is not transient. It is constant. He never walks away from us. We walk away from what could be a lifetime of being in close communion with the Lord (Isaiah 59:1-3). We buy into this lie, and so we just leave what God has to offer. Because why would we risk throwing everything we are and have into something that we have been told and believe will fade? We are believing a lie straight out of the mouth of satan himself! And I pray that we turn from this falsehood. We serve a Jesus who has a permanent priesthood (Hebrews 7:22-25) and ever-increasing glory!!!!! HE NEVER FADES! the lies: Nobody can love God that much, all the time....Nobody can live that way all the time.

Like I said, these are lies and we have to stop buying into them. We have to start believing in God's plan for our lives. We have to believe the truth in His word that says He will do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine.

Besides just believing in the lies, we also are not willing out put out the effort to be that close to God all the time and see what He has to offer. It takes zero effort to be who you have always been. But to fight and battle and strive for communion with God against your flesh? that's so hard!

some truth to support this:

Philippians 2:12-- Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling

Hebrews 11:6- And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

We must develop a habit of dependency daily. We must awaken from our laziness and CHASE after God like never before!

Lord I pray that we believe this truth. We believe that you are constant. That your spirit within us is constant. May you press us onward so that we may constantly battle for communion with you!

Embracing the Battle

1Ch 29:12-13 丰富尊荣都从你而来，你也治理万物。在你手里有大能大力，使人尊大强盛都出於你。 我们的神啊，现在我们称谢你，赞美你荣耀之名！

That's chinese. :)

I know that we are 3 months and 5 days from China but I am so excited. Each day the Lord brings me reminders of the trip and gets me stoked about it! But that will have very little to do with this blog. hehe...Our campus director Wyatt told me about this program called E-sword that you can download on your computer. It has a ton of resources for scripture and journaling and writing notes and sermons...it's the jam! Hence why I can now post verses in Chinese--which I will continue doing!!! :)

so in English:

Both riches and honor come from You and You rule over all. In Your hand are power and might, and in Your hand it is to make great and to give strenth to all. But who am I, and what is my people that we should be able thus to offer willingly? For all things come from You and of Your own have we given You.

This is a commentary from one of the resources from the program, very cool.

Both riches and honour come of thee,.... Whatever of either the children of men have is not owing to their merits, nor to their diligence and industry, and wise conduct, but to the providence of God, Ecc_9:11 so the gods with the Heathens are said (o) to be givers of riches:

and thou reignest over all; govern the world by wisdom, and dispose all things in it for the best:

in thine hand is power and might; to do whatsoever he pleaseth:

and in thine hand it is to make great; in worldly things, and so in spiritual:

and to give strength unto all; against their enemies, and to do the will and work of God; of all which David had had an experience.

My thoughts this past week have been anxious. I have not been trusting the Lord. I am so anxious. Constantly trying to fight off feelings and thoughts that I don't want to accept. But these verses, along with thinking about Philippians 4, reminded me that I am to submit all my anxious thoughts to the Lord with thanksgiving...and His peace will surround me. Since these thoughts have been progressing, I have been whining to the Lord instead of surrendering my thoughts with thanksgiving. I have been seeing the negative in all I am dealing with rather than seeing God's provision, purpose, sovereignty, strength and comfort. So...let's embrace this. He refines my through a fire of affliction, not a bubble bath. It's supposed to be hard. But my attitude is not suppose to be anxious. I have been nothing but unfaithful these past few days. It stops here. You rule over all.

Now it is true that we were made for God and that in Him we live and move and have our being. Yet such is the immersion in the world even of the most prayerful and most watchful that the approach to God with the whole heart demands a concentrated effort.

Spending Time with My Maker

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy with readjusting to school, focusing on ministry, and trying to not lose momentum in the "China Process". My last few weeks with the LORD have been filled with much conviction and growth. I feel He is bringing me to a period of refinement; showing me areas of my life that I will most likely struggle in for a long time, perhaps even forever. Much of this has come in getting closer to that ever-so-taboo term "future".

One of the biggest areas I feel God revealing sin is in ministry...more specifically, my heart in ministry. There are a few verses and quotes that He used as tools to bring me to this revelation:
Psalm 37:3-5
Trust in the LORD, and do good; DWELL in the land, and FEED on His faithfulness. DELIGHT yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. COMMIT your way to the LORD, TRUST also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
-->Often in ministry, my heart is so dedicated to going, and doing, and laboring for the Lord. But I get it so out of order. The psalmist makes it so clear here that I Dwell, Feed, Delight, Commit, and Trust in the Lord...then He brings everything to pass. I so often feel that everyone's salvation is on my shoulders so I have to keep going and going till I feel ragged. But all the pouring out is in vain for me, because I am not being poured into. I am not dwelling in His presence.
"Beware of anything that competes with loyalty to Jesus Christ. The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for Him." -Oswald Chambers
Psalm 27:8
When you said "seek My face," my heart said to you, "your face, LORD, I will seek."
-->Notice this verse does not say..."...I will seek your face as soon as I am finished ____, and you can totally have what's left over." So why is that so often my response?
"The enjoyment of God is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the ocean." -Jonathan Edwards.
My personal fave:
"Guard Jealously your relationship to God...If you are depending on anything but Him, you will never know when He is gone." Oswald Chambers
--> I think this is my biggest fear at this point. Am I so concerned with being poured into by my friends, leaders, books, quotes that I won't even notice if God's presence leaves me?! Am I so focused on doing and going that I don't even worry if He is there with me? I want to cry out to God the same concern as Moses...when he proclaimed he would not go anywhere, including the promise land, if God's presence was not there. Oh, I hope that is my cry. If I have nothing but my Father, I have everything. No matter where you call me to go, or what you call me to do, I have you. You are mine. I am yours. And if for one second, my heart wanders, I pray conviction strike me so hard. I pray that the absence of my God send chills up my spine. I want You to strip everything away so that it is just me and You. Nothing compromises my time with you-including ministry. Because if I go like this, I will dwindle. I will be ineffective for Your kingdom because You are not with me. Teach me. Disciple me. Wound me if you have to.
Proverbs 2:1-6
My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom and apply your heart to understanding; yes, if you cry out for discernment, And lift up your voice for understanding. If you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
--> Only through crying out to You can I find a fear for You. I want to fear You so that I would never forget you. What keeps me from surrendering to you as Lord over my life? What keeps me from seeking, and crying out, and opening my ears?
Matthew 22:34-40. These verses talk about the greatest commandments. Love God. Love People. Yet, I forget, all too often, the order. So often I focus on the loving people part. Not a bad thing--as long as I'm understanding the first part-loving God. There is a reason we are to love Him first. He is our purpose, He fills us, we can't TRULY love others without loving Him. He must pour into us, so that we can pour into others.
And the final one, that I just LOVE:
Isaiah 48:9-11 For my name's sake I will defer my anger, so that I do not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, I will do it; For how should My name be profaned? And I will not give My glory to another.
---> The purpose in all that we go through...the purpose that we are refined---HIS GLORY. As He allows us to be wounded and taught and refined, knowing it is all for His glory...doesn't that make that suffering all the better?! and so worth it? It is not so we look like better Christians, or feel better, not so that other people think we are good....but for His Glory. The other products are just bonuses. But even if we got nothing through it all...and when we get nothing through it all...that's okay! Cuz it's for His Glory. And thinking and meditating on what brings Him glory the conclusion comes that He delights the most when we are seeking Him and sitting in His presence. Some wonderful thinkers that have come to this conclusion put it best:
"The greatest display of God's glory comes from deep delight in all that He is." John Piper
-->Does the word "ministry" come up here? What about "do"? No!--DELIGHT. we are to DELIGHT in Him. That's what brings Him glory. Ministry and doing come as a natural overflow from delighting in Him.
"There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes...Am I so in love with Him that I take no account of where I go? Or am I watching for the respect due to me; weighing how much service I ought to give?" Oswald Chambers.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are teaching me. Molding me. Urging me to trust in You, seek You, delight in You. Showing me Your passion for Your own glory. Your desire to be delighted by me. Showing me that comes from spending time with You.

"Consecration means the CONTINUAL separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?" Oswald Chambers

The Process

Preface: As vulnerable as I tend to be, there are some things I can't go to into detail about via blog, however I'll do my best capturing what God is doing in my heart without being able to say as much as I would like.

When hearing how much money we needed to raise for China and learning a process that is very new to me, my initial thoughts were fear, anxiety, doubt. But they gave us 14 quiet times to go through as we are in the midst of this process and the Lord has used each day to disciple me, and quiet my heart.

To share some thoughts:
2 Chronicles 20:6, 15b & 17a
O LORD God of our fathers, are You not God in heaven, and do You not rule over all the kingdoms of the nations, and in Your hand is there not power and might, so that no one is able to withstand You? ...Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude for the battle is not yours but God's...You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you.

2 Chronicles 16:8-9

Because you relied on the LORD, He delivered them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

->Raising 6,000 dollars may seem impossible, but the results are in God's hands. A God who has proved Himself powerful and trustworthy. It's my job to do the work and be obedient and diligent, but leave it to Him--no worrying, no doubting. He fights all of the battle--spiritual, physical, emotional. It is my job to sit, be in His presence and see Him do all the work. He is with me the entire way.

I have seen so much evidence of this in the past couple of days as the Lord is providing funds while giving me opportunity to cast His vision to believers and non-believers. Oswald Chambers once said "We are sent by God to lift up Jesus Christ, not to give wonderfully beautiful discourses." I was tempted yesterday to do just that-tickle someone's ear in hopes they would support me as I knew they probably wouldn't if they knew the real reason I was going. But I could feel God pressing me forward and stirring the conversation that required some boldness. In the end, the person agreed to support me, not because they agreed with what I was doing, but because I didn't back down after they hounded me with questions. Because of the bold speech. After having time to process what happened, it was obvious to me that the Lord allowed me to be obedient to cast His vision, while He worked in the person's heart. He fought that battle and prepared me in obedience to do the work. It is incredible to see the truth of God's Word played out in reality.

One of my favorite verses from this break is from 2 Kings 3:4-19. God provides water to 3 whole armies without rain. He simply fills a ditch with water and tells them to drink. As they drink, none go thirsty out of all those men! The best part is found in verse 18 when it says, "and this is a simple matter in the sight of the LORD." HA! It is simple to Him. Provision is no big deal. Because He is God and He can provide. He just asks for our obedience and faith. Man that gets me excited! The important thing here is to turn our eyes to God in situations like this, rather than just valuing the experience itself. Oswald Chambers writes "Faith that is sure of itself is not faith; faith that is sure of God is the only faith there is." Having faith in God-not the experiences.

Another part of this break has been dealing with sin. The Lord has been so faithful to provide truth constantly to encourage me as well as challenged me to change some things in my lifestyle in order for Him to weed out some sin. Not going into detail, I just want to share some verses and quotes. They speak for themselves.

Amy Carmichael: "My Father, train my soul, today, to pause. When the enemy attacks, hurling words that cause me to take my eyes off of You...When I feel weak, and helpless to do anything but fail again. I will stop. I will look up. No matter what comes, I will say 'But you, O LORD, are my helper!'"

1 Chronicles 21:8-I have sinned greatly, because I have done this thing; but now, I pray, take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have done very foolishly.

Isaiah 8:15-17-And many among them shall stumble; They shall fall and be broken, be shared and taken. Bind up the testimony, seal the law among my disciples. And I will wait on the LORD, who hides His face from the house of Jacob; and I will hope in Him.

Oswald Chambers: "...at all costs you want to be identified with His death...your 'old man' is crucified with Christ...Every now and again, our Lord lets us see what we would be like if it were not for Himself; it is a justification of what He said--'without me ye can do nothing.'"

This one to show that nothing happens without going through His grace:
Isaiah 14:24-The LORD of hosts has sworn, saying, 'surely as I have thought, so it shall come to pass, and as I have purposed, so it shall stand.

Isaiah 17:10-11-Because you have forgotten the God of your salvation, and have not been mindful of the Rock of your stronghold. Therefore you will plant pleasant plants and set out foreign seedlings; in the day you will make your plant to grow, and in teh morning you will make your seed to flourish; but the harvest will be a heap of ruins in the day of grief and desparate sorrow.

1 John 1:7-If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, the bloof of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
Oswald Chambers: "No man knows what sin is until he is born again. The love of God at work in me makes me hate with the hatred of the Holy Ghost all that is not in keeping with God's holiness. To walk in the light means that everything that is of the darkness drives me closer into the center of the light."
->Did you catch that!? Not only do we not hate that which is darkness and not keeping with God's holiness, but we love it. The struggle comes because we love it. We must abhor what is evil and cling to what is good. Hating darkness...that is the fruit of walking in the light.

Oswald Chambers "The battle is lost or won in the secret places of the will before God, never first in the external world...I am obliged to get alone with God and fight the battle out before Him...Nothing has any power over the man who has fought out the battle before God and won there...from that point we either go towards a more and more dilatory and useless type of Christian life, or we become more and more ablaze for the glory of God--my utmost for His highest."
->battle out the sin. Every day. Every moment. Till it's won.
Oswald Chambers: "The relation of the natural to the spiritual is one of continuous conversion, and it is the one thing we object to...our natural life must not rule, God must rule in us."
-> How foolish of me to consider I can go one day wihtout dependency on God merely becuase I have had victory over a particular area once or twice...or even most of the time. The victory is not mine--it is God's. I am nothing without Him. The moment I forget that is the moment I surrender to my own will--which always results in sin. Apart from Him there is no freedom from sin--no victory.

Colossians 1:13-15 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

Habbakkuk 3:18-19 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills.

Victory during troubled times becuase assurance and satisifaction comes from the LORD!

The Judge

Lately, It's been a struggle for me to confess my sins to God. I keep thinking that things are going so well with us, that I would hate for something like sin come in the way. I have this picture in my mind of me looking up to heaven confessing my sin and this huge God looking down on me, disappointment on His face. "I've done alot in you, ya know" He'd say. And all my actions say to Him in return is that He just can't do enough. I'm just too sinful. He isn't powerful enough. Why would He want to redeem someone like me? I make the same mistakes over and again. I'm too much trouble...and the lies in my head keep feeding and feeding.

But this morning, He showed me that the picture I had in my head of how He deals with my sin, is far from truth.
Isaiah 43:24b-26 "But you have burdened me with your sins, you have wearied me with your iniquities. I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance, let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."
-->So the truth is, if I hold onto my sin, I burden Him and make Him weary. When He blots out my sin, He does it for His glory and He does it forever--not remembering. He wants us working together, to talk through my sin so that He can have me acquitted, and I can be free of it forever. The reason for confession is not so He can then look down on me and be disappointed, He is disappointed when I sin and the moment I confess it is the moment He forgives.

It's funny how these things seem so elementary. Don't you learn this stuff in sunday school in like 3rd grade? Head knowledge is different from heart knowledge. a 9 inch gap that makes all the difference.

One.

Decision.December 1st. The deadline. The day for folks to decide whether they are going to China, SBP, Common Ground, School, Staying at Home, Taking on internships. The prayer and begging for wisdom and discernment during this time has been exponential. I think today marks a new journey for me and almost all of my close friends. I'm excited to see what it holds.

Gospel.We have our last CO meeting of the semester tonight too. Wrapping up our serious on American Idols: tonight features the American Dream, Money and Success. Guarding tonight in prayer, praying for numbers and readied hearts as the gospel is preached.

Spirit. I feel the Lord moving. Across our campus into new hearts. In our own hearts. Teaching us new things, Challenging us beyond what we could have ever imagined. My prayer is that we recognize what He gives. Knowing that all things come from Him. Giving thanks. But also that we approach everything in prayer. This truth needing to be preached most into my heart. I pray we do nothing apart from God and His presence. For what is any sort of progress without Him?

Peace.It's strange how peaceful I feel in the midst of such a crazy week. I think the Lord just wants me to know how much He is in control. If I just continue following the path that He is calling me to, everything will work out.

Trust. Trusting in His plan. Trusting Him to be in control.

Surrender. Surrendering my will. Surrendering my control.

Truth. Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings,

ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD, over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is full of majesty.

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the LORD flashes forth flames of fire. The The voice of the LORD shakes the wilderness;

the LORD shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the LORD makes the deer give birth
and strips the forests bare,
and in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD sits enthroned as king forever.
May the LORD give strength to his people!
May the LORD bless his people with peace!

How often I forget...to give thanks.

Psalm 143: 6,8

I spread out my hands to You, my soul longs for You like a thirsty land, cause me to hear Your loving kindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.

--How often I forget my need for the Lord. How often I believe that I can do it. As soon as I feel I've learned something, I stop relying on Him for it. Ceasing to ask anything of Him in prayer because I really think that qualities such as self-control and wisdom can be learned on my own. If I can just do this...or refrain from doing that, then I will have these things. How foolish! It's so critical for us to know that EVERYTHING which we receive comes from the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

2 Thessalonians 2:13

But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren, beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.

--How often I forget that I didn't have the power to choose God. I must thank him for choosing me to be His follower. I must thank Him for sending people to open my eyes to His truth. I must thank Him for Jesus, for without whom I would forever be in separation from God. I must thank Him for strengthening me in His word and building me up. Thank Him for tools such as Campus Outreach for discipleship. Thank Him for the body that He has surrounded me with. Thank him for the missional heart and girls He has put in my path. Thank Him for all that He is. Constantly. Acknowledging His providence. Acknowledging that He is the source of all things. Praying for humility to always be thankful to Him for what He does in my life understanding that I deserve nothing from Him, when so often I just expect it. So let us take heed to this command, and without ceasing, give thanks to He who chose us through sanctification. It is His will.

Brokenes and Burden.

Not much to be said here. Just much to reflect upon. Mostly His grace which is sufficient, His strength which is perfect in weakness, His love and His mercy.

The past two days have just left me hurting for people around me. Seeing things from within rather than so objectively as before. Being effected by situations that I've always known to be injustice but never felt as a burning anger or overwhelming sadness.

These things are not mine to hold. I am to capitulate them to the Lord as I take on others' burdens. He gives me others' rocks to carry so that I can bring them to Him. For those not yet strong enough to come on their own.

I need truth to fight the lies that so easily tell me God doesn't care. I know He does in my heart. I've seen it in my life. But there are moments, watching other people as they fight off depression and suicide and hearing stories of murder and rape...this is when "trustworthy" is hard to believe. So truth? Yes. Let's search for some.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness...Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain merce and find grace to help in a time of need. Hebrews 4: 15-16

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-17

In the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast...God that performeth all things for me...my heart is fixed: I will sing and I will give praise. Psalm 57

That last one is a doozy. That's the truth we must cling to. And in the end, praise Him.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face

Wow, what an incredible day.

The Lord gave me rest.

Rest in Him.

To sit in His presence for the first time in a long time.

Just that small taste...has left me wanting more.

Last night I had a very encouraging conversation with a dear friend and he reminded me to go back to the basics. Sometimes I just get so caught up in wanting to do what's right that I forget why. I forget where the Lord has brought me--from, through and to. We brainstormed 10 things God has taught us in the last year. Then proposed the challenge to line each lesson with a bible verse or two, and post it somewhere where we would constantly be reminded of what He's done. This morning I spent some time going through the first three on our list. (they are in no particular order of importance as they are all important).

1) God forgives everything, no matter how stupid I am. He will never let me go.

2) Praise the Creator--not the creation.

3) Relationships should always be pushing us closer to Him.

The verses the Lord showed me through these topics set up my day to really just reflect on Him and how worthy of praise He is. Wednesday is usually my super long day filled with classes from 10-6 but my extra long class was cancelled today, so I had some free time. Grabbed coffee with a dear friend and had some super encouraging conversation. Came back to my room...and thought...hey I have like an hour, what can I do? Clear as day I just heard the Lord calling me to come sit and be with Him. So...in my new journal I bought yesterday :)...I started talking with Him. As I got to the subject of China and reminding Him that I wanted to obey Him and seek Him...it hit me...like a ton of bricks. It's like he flat out said BA...you haven't even asked me. I am so caught up in going about making this decision in the right way and following His will and telling Him that's what I want to do that I forgot the reason behind it all in the beginning. Christ's love compels me. My Father loves me. That is why I love Him back. It isn't about performing for Him, that comes when I love Him. I kept wondering why such a disconnect between us lately. It's because I haven't just talked with Him. At Him? yes. Towards Him? Def. But In all of this "trying to do the right thing" I didn't even ask Him what it was. How foolish am I? Where are my motives? I finally asked Him if He wanted me to go to China. Although I don't know if He's given me an answer yet, I immediately felt His presence fill me. It was the most real sensation I've felt from Him in a long time. He doesn't want my sacrifices. He doesn't want my words. He just wants me to sit in His presence. Why do I always make it more than that?

Then tonight my friend Cory spoke at Campus Outreach. We are doing a series called American Idols in which we explore the common things we put above God from our society. The first week was image, the second, approval. This week's dealt with comfort. Man did the Holy Spirit convict. He used Matthew 19:16-26 where Jesus commands a rich man to sell everything. The man just couldn't. He saw to much value in the things He had. He couldn't see Jesus as more valuable than giving up everything for. Cory talked about how we don't want to give up anything. We want to have Jesus and everything else too. But these things keep us from intimacy with God...is it worth it? I don't see how anything could be worth that. Revelation 3:14-22 talks about the Lukewarm (comfortable) church. They want to take what they have and buy salvation, they can't see that it's worth more than anything we can ever have. Luke 19:1-9 talks about a rich man (Zacchaeus) gives up all that he has after understanding the value of Jesus. He saw that getting Jesus means getting everything. I couldn't help but ask the questions: What does it look like in my life to be uncomfortable? What am I holding onto? What, if the Lord commanded me to give up, would make me hesitate?

Some things to sift through.

The other resource God is teaching me through is a book by Elisabeth Elliot (late wife of Jim Elliot) called Passion and Purity. It has been incredible. Essentially it searches how to pursue a life of purity under Christ's control. The Lord is RADICALLY changing my mindset in this area. Just want to pull out a few quotes from that to leave you with:

There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere.

O Love, that wilt not let me go,

I rest my wear soul in Thee;

I give Thee back the life I owe,

That in Thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

-George Matheson

If there is an Enemy of Souls, one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man or woman's passions become his battleground. The Lover of Souls does not prevent this...He wants us to learn to use our weapons.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face--Elizabeth Clephane

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

(put on a whole new meaning while reading this book)

He gives all.

He asks all.

Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship.

What is the Wise thing to do?

So...I haven't blogged in a while. In fact, at the moment I have a blog just waiting in my drafts to be published...but it isn't finished. It's regarding all that I learned at beach project, which is probably why it isn't finished--so much to process through.

so life update.

Well, the Lord has been doing TONS here at the Berry College. Most of all, expanding my ministry missionally. He has just put so many opportunities in my path to share the gospel on a regular basis and pour into others' lives. By His grace, my friends and I are actively seeking Him and sharing His love to the world. It has been incredible. Still tons to pray for. That our ministries continue to flourish and we continue to depend on the Lord's grace. That the hearts of the people on this campus be receptive. That the men's ministry on our campus continue to grow as the Lord strengthens men to lead us in ministry. Most of all, in all of this, that God go before us and prepare the way. Using Exodus 32-33, our leaders have encouraged us to adopt these verses as our mindset in ministry and personal growth. In this, we pray for the Lord to reveal to us the things we worship more than God--seeing our sinfulness. As well as refusing to do what God wants without His presence--begging Him to come with us and go before us.

Recently I was presented with a pretty incredible opportunity to serve the Lord and the process in which He revealed this opportunity was so reflective of His glory. About two weeks ago, I really felt the Lord calling me to pray for my summer and begin searching opportunities to serve Him and further His kingdom. I looked into a few options and realized that, more than anything, I wanted to do something more missional with my summer. Last Wednesday I had a meeting where Kevin, our Campus Outreach area Director, presented the opportunity to me and a handful of my other friends to go to China for 6 weeks and establish a CO connection there with the students and city in Nanjing, China. Here, we would have biblical training in the mornings and in the afternoons we would establish relationships with the students through english tutoring and campus visits in order to further advance the good news.

Also, last week, I listened to the first of a series of sermons by Andy Stanley titled "The Best Question Ever" in which Andy Stanley discusses making decisions based off the question "What is the Wise thing to do?" He uses Ephesians 5:15 as the biblical reference. He talks about how choosing wisdom is a high standard, the opposite of culture and so we are to not be foolish or careless and the verse COMMANDS us to know what the will of the Lord is. He talks about how we deceive ourselves too often and that we just need to face-up to the fact that God has something bigger in mind for us. So there are three parts to this question. What is the wise thing to do:

1. in light of my past experience

2. in light of my current circumstances

3. in light of my future hopes and dreams

We are to answer honestly and have the courage to follow through. We are to ask ourselves what it is within us that refuses to do what we know will take us where we want to go. It isn't necessarily what the right or wrong thing is, but what the wise thing is.

At this point, I do not sense a full yes or no from the Lord as I feel He is using this time for us to draw nearer to one another and strengthen our intimacy. For now, I ask for prayer as I discern what the wise decision is here. I also ask that you pray as I will be raising support if, indeed the Lord does ask me to go. I pray that you ask the Lord how you can help serve, whether through finance or prayer. I also encourage you to ask yourself, in all decisions, big or small, What is the Wise thing to do??

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

The young, The old and Biblical Womanhood

My goodness...God has been a workin! In saying that I need to clarify that God is always working but here lately He has just shown His wonderful grace in allowing me to see His glory on a daily basis. Not from anything I have done or am but because of God working in me, I have had the opportunity almost every day for the past 2 1/5 weeks to share my faith on some level with someone. Watching God orchestrate divine appointments has allowed me to surrender my pride in realizing nothing I do allows these things to happen. One example is from last Tuesday at the gym. I go to the gym 5 days a week at 2pm without fail with one of the staff of CO. well, last Tuesday, something came up and we both needed to go at 1. Besides changing the time, I really just wasn't feeling like working out that day but because Christy was going, it held me accountable to go as well. I always do 10 minutes of cardio, usually running on the treadmill, before lifting weights. After I was finished, I used the elliptical behind me to stretch my calve muscles. well there was this girl on the machine that had the same shirt as a few other young people, signifying they were all there for the same reason. I overheard her talking to one of the trainers about how they were there with an organization that helps troubled teens and got really curious. I started asking her questions and she without hesitation just spilled her life story and what this organization was doing for her. About 5 minutes into our conversation this man came over and yelled at me for talking to and "distracting" his "workers." I won't lie, he scared me pretty badly. So I apologized and walked away to continue my work out...But I couldn't focus. I was really torn with feeling like I needed to go back over there and talk to the girls but I was afraid of the man. I very clearly could feel God tugging on my heart telling me He would protect me. With a sudden peace, I got up and walked back over to the girls who were now riding bikes. I sat down to a girl I hadn't talked to and just started asking some surface level questions. I honestly felt ill equipped for such a conversation and just asked that God would let it flow. Almost as soon as I prayed that the girl just started drilling me with questions about if I was in college and where and why I was down here and what kind of books I liked to read. Every single question was almost designed for me to share about why I was here and what God was doing. We were able to talk for a good 20 minutes about her beliefs and where she comes from spiritually. She was very curious and very excited to talk about it. I then found out they are in the gym around 1 almost every day. As we left and I told christy about what happened, her face just lit up. She explained to me how before I started talking to the girls she was burdened to talk to them but felt God telling her to pray for them instead. She said she felt so much war as the man came over and yelled at me and then began discussing self-help ideas with the kids and how her flesh just wanted to go preach to him but God was telling her to pray. she said it was so neat from her perspective to see God open the doors for me to talk to the girls as she stood back and prayed. What a beautiful picture of evangelism and fellowship through the Body of Christ! One thing we talked about last week was how Jesus never sent anyone out by themselves to further the mission, it was always with other believers. Seeing how things worked last week I really understand why that is how it is.

At work I've just been blessed with opportunity to discuss what I'm learning with my coworkers or even women that walk in the store. My job duties require me to converse with the women that come in the store and how perfect an environment for me to be able to funnel the conversation to God. It's been awesome.

Last week was the relationship seminar and we talked about everything from relationships in the body of Christ to dating and marriage, to Biblical womanhood and Godly contentment. My next blog is going to discuss those things and hopefully I will get a chance to post it in the next couple of days. In the mean time, I ask that you pray for me as I continue to learn and for my dgroup as they are growing in the Lord. Pray for my friend Christy as she is raising support for her job (because EVERYONE on CO staff raises support for their salary, even families with kids and stay at home moms! How cool is that?) Just pray that God will provide and if you know of anyone that would be interested in supporting her in any way, please let me know. Also pray that we can take all that we learn and build a firm foundation this summer to take back to our campuses and our families upon returning. Its encouraging to see 140 college students, male and female, pursuing a strong relationship with God. The way we treat each other and protect each other is like nothing I've ever seen before and I just know it is our hearts for that to continue as we leave this environment into one that doesn't not easily cater to such an uplifting atmosphere. Thank you for your support and your prayers.

Christianity

I want to start out with a few selections from the book we are reading this summer by one of my all-time favorite pastors David Platt. It's called Radical and it's basically in pursuit of taking back the Christian faith from the American Dream. It explores the ways in which our American culture creates idealogies within us that are enemy to God. Some things are really hard to accept because they are so foreign to the way I think, but the more I study scripture, the less my lifestyle seems to line up. This book has been helpful in pointing out the areas in my life that disprove my love for God.

"The first [question] was simple. Was I going to believe Jesus? Was I going to embrace Jesus even though he said radical things that drove crowds away? The second question was more challenging. Was I going to obey Jesus? My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away, content, to settle for less than radical obedience to Him."

"If Jesus is who he said he is, and if his promises are as rewarding as the Bible claims they are, then we may discover that satisfaction in our lives and success in the church are not found in what our culture deems most important but in radical abandonment to Jesus."

"Ultimately, Jesus was calling them [the disciples] to abandon themselves. They were leaving certainty for uncertainty, safety for danger, self-preservation for self-denunciation. In a world that prizes promoting oneself, they were following a teacher who told them to crucify themselves. And history tells us the result. Almost all of them would lose their lives because they responded to his invitation."

"We are afraid that if we stop and really look at the God in his word, we might discover that he evokes greater awe and demands deeper worship than we are ready to give him"

"...we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with. A nice, middle class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid danger altogether. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream. But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

That last one especially kicks my butt. In examining my motives and the depth in which I follow Christ, I have to wonder how much of this is true for me. The more I dive into the Word the more I feel that the Jesus I serve looks less like the Jesus from the Bible and more like me. Am I a devoutly seeking the God of the Bible or too afraid to because of what He may call me to give up? I think about all the justification that takes place in my heart every time I feel God calling me to surrender an idol in my life. Jesus + ____ = satisfaction? I long for the day that I don't fill in that blank. We learned today in our rally that we are innately rebellious from birth because of the fall of man. Thus, it is my curse to fill in the blank. I long to look more like God. I fear that means changing almost everything about myself. But I really feel the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart strings to pursue something more radical than what I know. To give up the idealogies the world would have me believe and follow and seek out God's will for my life. The biggest of these so far have been marriage and money. Oddly enough between the two of these, marriage was the easy one. God truly changed my heart and made it my desire to pursue a life of singleness. The money thing I'm still struggling to be faithful. He really wants me to trust Him in that area. and I really want to.

I'm trying to let this journey begin!!

alrighty....this is legitimately the first opportunity granted to me thus far to even consider blogging..aka it has been CRAZY busy.

So just to give a little play by play of the last six days:

Friday: Operation leave for SBP

• expectation: leave at 7am to avoid atlanta traffic+memorial day traffic
• reality: leave at 7:45am, go to starbucks (to start the day off right), not too much traffic
• expectation: arrive at Fort Walton Beach, Florida at approximately 1pm Central time
• reality: get lost and go two hours out of the way to arrive at 3:15pm Central time

lesson: don't have expectations

So we finally arrive at the lovel sandman hotel on Santa Rosa blvd! It's no hilton, but I am happy to call it home for the next two months. After our arrival we had till 5 to just chill and meet the other D-group leaders and they were all awesome! After that we were thrown into 5 wonderfully intense sessions discussing being a leader. The coolest part of all that was being reminded that being a leader in Gods kingdom means being a servant to those you are leading. But how applicable is that to all aspects of life? Serving everyone you interact with to the best of your ability is probably one of the strongest expressions of love...because servanthood takes sacrifice. Sacrifice of time, money, emotions, sleep, materials...and when someone sees your willingness to sacrifice your stuff for them, how much more loved could they feel? The heart of this servanthood and loving others boils down to the gospel of Jesus. We are learning so much about the simplicity of being a disciple of Christ and I love it. Ministering to others is about loving them and not judging them. Learning that actions are driven by the heart, you conclude that when someone's behavior is questionable, the problem lies within the heart. Thus, preaching the gospel of Jesus into their lives will reveal change in actions over time as they change within their hearts. These two ideas are what I'm going to try to adopt this summer and ultimately for the rest of my life.

So Friday-Sunday revolved around these sessions learning about servant leadership and it was awesome. Sunday we had a pool party at the Sites' house and kinda chilled for a bit. Monday was a huge work day as we worked non stop from about 8am till 2am. talk about tired. Then FINALLY everyone arrived Tuesday. I met my girls and we all bonded so well. Some great times driving down the road getting lost and just being CRAZY together, we couldn't help but see how evident it was that God ordained and orchestrated the 5 of us to share this 9 week journey together in The Word, accountability, worship and prayer.

So Last night kind of started our first real orientation session. Dilbeck talked about being fulfilled and finding satisfaction solely in God. His discussion revolved around the constant battle between our kingdom and God's kingdom. The most I took away from that was this equation he talked about that is at the heart of our kingdom:

Jesus + __________ = satisfaction

But in God's kingdom the equation looks like this:

Jesus=Satisfaction

The second equation is so much more appealing but my flesh is weak and today Satan knew how much I was trying to discover about what I try and fill in the blank. All of those things continuously attacked me today. If only I had this and Jesus I would be happy. If only this relationship were restored and I am growing in Jesus I will be fulfilled. O how much I want to surrender this mentality. GOOOOOD stuff.

Then last night we had some D-Group time, our first d-group meeting of SBP. We weren't really supposed to do testimonies till Sunday but the spirit was moving and we all ended up sharing our entire life stories and bonded so much. The girls in my group love eachother so much and last night overwhelmed me with Joy from the LORD as the evidence of His orchestration for us to be together was undeniable.

As you can see God is doing so much already. We are only on day 3 of 70. I have high expectations and I know the LORD exceeds even my highest expectation so I can't WAIT to see what He does.

We are all looking for jobs so continue to pray and thank you for your support!

Prepping for Project

As this summer has already proved itself the best I've ever had, I am starting to get really excited about what the Lord will do with the next ten weeks of my life. Unlike most discipleship-oriented events I've attended, summer beach project does not cater solely to spiritual highs. Instead, I am embarking on a journey with my Savior to find my identity in Him as we go through good times and bad times. I'll be living in close quarters with 8 or so girls--some of which I may or may not know. I'm going to work hard and get up and go to work even on the days I don't feel like it. I'm going to have to follow some fairly strict rules and lead a discipleship group that I feel ill-equipped for. It will be no picnic. Yet, as the day of my departure nears, I have trouble experiencing any emotion other than excitement. As I have been getting ready for project over the past three weeks, praying and studying the Word, God has already taught me so much about who I am in Him and given me a small taste of what He wants to do with me and I'm hooked! In addition to the aforementioned hurdles, SBP seems like it is going to be full of adventures, new friends, building strong Godly bonds with my fellow sisters in Christ, perhaps even mending a bond once broken. Ten intense weeks dedicated to nothing more than spiritual exhortation. This calls for an incredible, though undoubtedly hard, experience.

Having only decided to go less than two months ago, I was very reserved in the beginning and reluctant to get excited, deciding instead to dwell on the negative and hardships I was sure to face. As soon as I called on God to begin preparing me for what He wants to teach me, however, my attitude towards the trip began to change. Even with this change of attitude I did my best to ask God to reign supreme over my summer, but was still having trouble at times giving Him control. I still felt I could handle what was to come. Then, a couple of days ago, one of the Campus Outreach staff called me and told me they were short on Dgroup leaders and asked if I would do it. Without hesitation I said yes, almost before I even gave it a thought. I told her I was super nervous about it though and was worried I would do a bad job. She reminded me that I would mess up and that I had to give it to God or I wouldn't make it through my summer. With this new addition of responsibility, I had no choice to constantly capitulate my summer and preparation to God. Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just remember that I need to submit that to God through prayer and His peace, which I don't understand, will fill me.

So here goes, I feel this summer will end with me a new person. I hope so. I want to constantly be changed to look more like Christ. I can't even fathom the journey that lies in store for me. I have no expectations, I am just freely giving every day to the Lord. I ask for and thank you for your prayers. I will update as much as possible to inform those that support me on what God is doing in my life.

Come Friday, its off to Destin!

good triumphs over evil

this is a subject I'm anxious to talk about as it is so taboo but...here goes anywho

so the death penalty...

yea I know.

some people are so passionately for or against, but since the very start of my freshman year I have set off to venture how I truly feel about this and find myself so often caught in the middle.

Picture this: you and your mom (who you love more than anyone in the world) are taking a stroll down the street and some fella pulls out a gun, demands some cash, and then just unloads on her. i know it's graphic, but I feel like I have to put it in such perspective in order to see truth.

So what's your reaction? As a Christian, I feel like my reaction should be to love and offer forgiveness. although everything in my wants to kill the person myself. Yet, do I find myself content with the fact that he is served with the death penalty? death for death? Is justice then served? Does ending this man's life comfort me or bring my mom back? comfort--perhaps. but definitely doesn't change the situation.

Ultimately my decision is made, and has been for quite sometime. I believe I am no more righteous than a murderer due to my beliefs. I know that my God will serve justice better than any man could and that I would prefer Him to be judge. Of course, I don't want this man running around the streets right? Life in prison? definitely. Yet I have no faith in our judicial system these days, corrupt as it is. Odds are the guy could get like 15-20 years with some probation. So justice? I'll leave it up to God. Forgiveness? I can only offer it through Christ's love.

Okay, to my next point...Good vs. evil. A most common theme throughout literature and movies. From Braveheart to Superman, from Robin Hood to Peter Pan, from The little Mermaid to Gladiator. I mean, there are really only a handful of examples that don't contain some element of good vs evil. We are fed this idea that good triumphs over evil constantly as it is engrained in our culture. I believe this originates from the love letter God writes on our hearts upon creation. Because one day, good will triumph over evil. Satan will be vanquished and Christ will be King. That gets me excited. But the fear I have comes in how far we have taken this idea. How far we have stolen justice from the true Judge's hands and bestowed it upon ourselves to triumph over evil. I just finished watching the movie Edge of Darkness with Mel Gibson. I must say, it was a good movie. Basically, someone murders this guy's daughter right in front of him and he seeks justice, killing a number of "bad guys" along the way. Throughout the movie, I found myself torn between rooting him on and feeling disgusted that I, as an intended audience, am expected to root him on. He is fulfilling any person's desire to take justice into their own hands and, as he is a law official, he seems to bear the right to do so. but i have to consider down to the core that when he kills those men, it is murder. I can't believe how often I forget that when watching movies.

Ultimately, nothing is black or white. What about self defense? What about war? I mean, where do you draw the line? i must say I can't give solid answers. Most situations do need to be looked at case by case. I guess ultimately I just want to be careful when it comes to cheering on the "good guy" in movies. I feel its treading on dangerous water, making myself immune to killing if it is in the name of justice. But justice pertains to a manner of perspective--whether considering what acts deserve it and to what degree it may be served. Still quite taboo. Just some things I was pondering.

A time for reflections

As I approach the official date proving my existence for two whole decades, I've really been taking the time to reflect on my life. The good, the bad. The unexpected. The heartwrenching. The enlightment. The pain. The fun. The growth. Friends that come. Friends that grow. Teaching. Learning. Hobbies. Boyfriends. Ex-boyfriends. Family. God. Reflecting on all of this, I don't even know what to say or what to think. I remember being young and thinking 20 was so old. Now that I'm here, I feel like I have so much life ahead of me but I know I've lived so much. It just feels like yesterday that Madison Conley and I were having our sleepovers every weekend and inventing new songs. Or walking the halls of North Hall Middle school during my very very awkward years. Friends. I couldnt count the friends I've had. Some--my entire life. Some have gone. I've never really had just one best friend, I've always been the one to go from friend group to friend group, never able to identify just ONE best friend. I don't think that will ever change; I'm okay with that. My friends have played such a huge role in making me who I am today. Whether it be because of their negative influence or their constant exhortation in my relationship with the Lord. Whether they be transient friends or friends that never leave my side. I've had a lifetime worth of adventures with the beautiful friends in my life and don't regret having any of them. Boyfriends. my goodness. my first date. the first time I held hands with a boy. my first kiss. mistakes. lessons. great times. strength. I can't believe all of these things have already happened. It seems just yesterday I was nervous about holding hands with a boy in 7th grade. And here I am today--too much experience with relationships. lots of hurt. lots of growth. lots of memories--good and bad. I always thought I would be the one to marry right out of college. Marry the man of my dreams, have a houseful of beautiful children and be a stay at home mom while my hubby brought home the dough. Now, I'm learning to come to grips with the potential plans God has for me. Where I am in my life now, I don't see that dream coming true--I dont' want it to. In fact, God is teaching me to forego any thoughts regarding a family in my future. Not that I won't have one, but just not to plan for one because I need to focus on where I am now. Honestly, I may not marry till I'm 34. So if I am so deadset on having a family at 26 and it doesn't happen, what kind of corner will I have backed myself into? Man, I've come a long way. Family. the one constant thing in my life right below Jesus. But we've been through so much together. Even through it all, I know they got my back and vice versa. I feel beyond fortunate to have the family I do. I would hand pick them out of all the family in the world. They have also had a huge hand in shaping me into who I am. My parents are incredible. My dad is the hardest worker I know and my mom is the strongest human that has ever lived. I admire them so much and I know if I can truly live how they have taught me, I'll be doing pretty good. Here I am, 3 finals and 2 essays away from being half way finished with my undergrad. I can't believe it. The years go by faster and faster. Which is just another way God is teaching me to sieze every opportunity I can. And not be foolish in taking for granted the time He has given me to serve others and Him. So here's to being 20. I can't believe it's here. I have lived such a full life already and I can imagine what's in store for the next 20.

Thank you Lord, for the experiences, the people, the life you've given me. I want to honor you with this gift.

Lady of Patience

Psalm 27:11-14 Teach me your way O LORD, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, and such as breathe out violence. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD.

God is teaching me so much about patience and waiting [and by waiting I mean serving while listening] lately, it's overwhelming. I always correlated patience with struggle and dis-contentedness because it is the place I struggle with most. In being such a control freak, when everything is on my time line, I am a happy camper; but throw that off and my fuse gets pretty short. However, on my journey to learning what it means to love with Christ's love, I learned that patience is key and since then I've been trying to apply it to all parts of my life. The biggest struggle comes to dealing with my future, more specifically the possibility of a husband. Yet, the closer I've grown to the Lord the more I've realized what a blessing waiting can be. Upon understanding the purpose behind waiting and being patience, I have developed such a peace for where I am in life. Some incredible girls are in my life and constantly encouraging me but the world is constantly trying to prove to me how insane I am. When I found the verse from above I couldn't help but dwell on the portion about the will of my adversaries. The will of the world so much encompasses the opposite of God's will and it is constantly thrown in my face. Especially with the subject I'm dealing with at the moment. What a comfort it is to know that HE will strengthen my heart if I wait [serve] on Him. Only in Him is strength enough to overcome the violence breathed out by the world, the lies that tell me the path I'm supposed to follow. Right now I am resting in His strength and am comforted.

Here's a little John Waller lining up so perfectly with my prayer to the Lover of my soul:

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Lord I lift my friend to you...

In learning about how to love I've also learned its effects...and sometimes lack there of. I found out that you can, through Christ, love someone unconditionally, asking for nothing in return till you are blue in the face and sometimes it still doesn't seem to get through. And through the discouragement you receive from a lack of response, it is so draining and easy to give up. But Paul points out in 2 Corinthians that anything we do is nothing without love. Love fulfills everything and truly makes things work. Therefore, though I can't see it, the love I'm sharing isn't being ignored. Just maybe suppressed. I also know that when I'm discouraged, it means I'm trying to carry the burden of a friend on my own shoulders...but i'm not capable of handling such a thing. Instead, I give that burden to Christ and allow him to fill me so that I may fill her. I never knew love was so complicating or so important when it comes to your faith in Christ and the lifestyle I've chosen to live...but all I can do is lift her to Him

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded her view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know she means much more to You
I want so much to help her, but this is something she has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to her
But You know where that leads
She's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

Some lyrics perfectly constructed by the Lord through Casting Crowns. Beautifully said.

Just because I don't want to work on my essay...

So...I find it odd that I love to write when I'm not forced....but such is life. I've nothing significant to say, just want to get my mind into a writing mood so that, perchance, I will be able to write a bit of my lil essay...and by lil I mean Hellish. So anywho, let's see what to write what to write. Well, Just got back from Easter with the fam....that's not really a subject I care to discuss....so let's talk about potential summer plans. Option number one: Summer Beach Project. Pro's--personal growth in Christ, discipleship, Evangelism, spending all summer with Megan and Abby...Cons--beach all summer, set schedule, rules, commitment....Hard to see what weighs more at the moment. Option two: Virginia. What's in Virginia you may ask? Well, nothing dealing with school or work, and that's pretty appealing in and of itself. Pro's--working with children all summer, ministry, escaping current life, Andrew (that's a big one), being in a new environment, not having a set schedule, being able to come home if I need to....Cons--where does my spiritual growth fit in (not to say it doesn't, just not sure where it is at the moment), kinda far away (which I guess could be a pro or con), looks like I'm making decisions based off a fella (which is not the case), Don't really know anyone....Option three, stay at home---haha yea....not gonna happen.
So anywho, I miss Rebecca Phillips alot. She has been studying abroad in Scotland all semester and I feel like her being right down the hall is something I miss tremendously. However, we get to be roommates next year and...Well, it's worth the wait.
I've come to the conclusion that my mom is straight up, my number one hero. It has just been so apparent to me lately the sacrifices she makes and how unnoticed they go. Her examples as a friend, wife, and mother all provide great standards to how I hope to live my life in each of those categories. I want so badly to be a mommy and a wifey. Actually, I'm kinda cool with just being a mommy but I kinda need the wifey role first I guess. I'm not there yet. I am just ready for the next stage of life. I don't want to wish it all away, yet I do. I mean, I want to truly cherish the time God gives me and grab hold of every opportunity He presents, but life is hard and I just keep idealizing the future. It's such an endless cycle. I remember being in high school and just wishing I could be in college. Now I am in college just wishing I could be in the next phase. What is wrong with me? I feel like this is a common trend among people in general, especially folk my age. I guess it's because we are in such a limbo-stage right now. College isn't new and exciting anymore, just hard; and as we are almost halfway finished, the end is near and our futures are on the horizon. I have a feeling once I reach that coveted place where the sun meets the earth however, that I will wish I could go back to where I am right now...and cherish it. I feel like a cra cra. I just wanna enjoy life. Cherish every moment. But that is such a fantasy because it is so hard to enjoy school. It is such a pain in the you know what. So, I just need to suck it up, get over myself, and find joy even when it seems impossible. I must cling to Christ, surrounded by encouraging people and focus. focus. focus!
Well that was motivating...so motivating that I'm going to not write my essay and go to bed...holding it off for yet another day.
But first, let's talk bout the possibility of love. So I'm the cynical one, believing whole heartedly that love is only for the few fortunate ones and that seeking companionship is my best bet. Damn you Jane Austen and your ideals of romance, Emma had it right marrying her best friend. That's pretty much been my mentality for the past six years or so. Keep my heart closed and don't get hurt right? Well then in waltzed this lil guy, young and naive. I didn't even have him on my radar. He fooled me. I fell and I fell hard. I was so angry. I don't know if I was more angry for letting someone in foolishly and allowing myself to get hurt or more angry at the fact that I was right all along and the only one who could not break my heart was Jesus. So far, I'm right. I decided that after that, I was done with love for good; no guy could be the guy I pictured in my head. That was fantasy, and we live in a world of reality. so... I decided I was done looking. But apparently I was not done being found. After 5 years of hardly any communication with one another, in walks mister perfect himself. The fella in my head, but in the flesh. Too good to be true? That's what my head is telling me. And although my heart thinks different, my noggin has a better track record. So for now, I am attempting to listen to my head hoping that he will prove me wrong. I want to believe in love. I do. Because I see so many examples of 60 year marriages and they are still so in love...but I also know that I can't go wrong with marrying someone I love dearly as a friend. It's a lot less risky. So many walls. But I fear he has the right tools for tearing them down...and that scares me to death. For now, we are playing catch up. 5 years and little contact begs for some get to know you time. So, I am working on falling more in love with Jesus and waiting to see if true love between a man and woman exists. and if it does, what in the world does it look like? Number 9 on the bucket list? Get married to the love of my life. Let's see if I get to cross that one off.

Finally a Breakthrough

O MY GOODNESS!!! I feel so beyond renewed. God has been working furiously in my life these past few months and I am finally being able to see it. After spending a most amazing week at home with my beautiful family, I had the most incredible honor of leading one of my most beloved friends to a faith in Christ. It has been the most beautiful experience watching her resist Him, warm up to Him, accept Him, and now grow in Him. If anything, through all of this, God has taught me my own insignificance. In that, I was putting so much weight on my failures and mistakes, thinking they were keeping me from connecting with my Father. How important I thought myself that something I do keeps Him from working in and through me...I was so mistaken. In fact, through my failures and inadequacy he worked through me to touch someone's heart and woo them to a love for Him. I am far too small to mess up God's plan, and not only did he decide to work despite my mistakes, but He USED me through my mistakes. O how glorious He is! He promises to equip us and be strong in our weakness and that has been so evident to me.
Furthermore, I have learned so much about what it means to love someone. Befriending this girl, I had no ulterior motive other than love her. I wasn't loving her so that she would become a Christian or so that she would see Christ in me. These were definitely important and came into play, but I befriended her simply because I loved her. And I would love her just as much if she never prayed to receive Christ. God requests that we love Him and love others. He doesn't grant us the right to judge others or the power to save others. just love them. And through our honest, unyielding love (that we only receive because of Him) He will shine through and touch that persons heart. It isn't about giving someone a bible, or telling them God loves them...those things are and can be important, but its just about being there for people when they need someone. Why do we complicate it to more than that? God will do His work. His plan will happen. All we need to do is just what he asks: love. Let's not make it more than that. I feel like if everyone understood that all the time, myself included, (not meaning to throw out a cliche) the world would be a better place. So I challenge you to reevaluate how you treat people. Everyone you come into contact with. Do you love them? Do you edify them with your words? What about the people you interact with and don't even speak to? Would a smile or kind "Hello" change their day or perhaps even their life for the better? My goal is to let God's love run through me fully. I want to shine love to every single person I see every single day. In Ephesians we are told to speak to one anther in psalms and hymns, give thanks, walk as we are in the light, find what is acceptable to God, redeem the time, understand God's will, be filled with the Spirit, Sing to the Lord, Be renewed, put on righteousness and holiness, give to those in need, edify with our words, be kind and forgive, be imitators of god and WALK IN LOVE...