Spending Time with My Maker

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy with readjusting to school, focusing on ministry, and trying to not lose momentum in the "China Process". My last few weeks with the LORD have been filled with much conviction and growth. I feel He is bringing me to a period of refinement; showing me areas of my life that I will most likely struggle in for a long time, perhaps even forever. Much of this has come in getting closer to that ever-so-taboo term "future".

One of the biggest areas I feel God revealing sin is in ministry...more specifically, my heart in ministry. There are a few verses and quotes that He used as tools to bring me to this revelation:
Psalm 37:3-5
Trust in the LORD, and do good; DWELL in the land, and FEED on His faithfulness. DELIGHT yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. COMMIT your way to the LORD, TRUST also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
-->Often in ministry, my heart is so dedicated to going, and doing, and laboring for the Lord. But I get it so out of order. The psalmist makes it so clear here that I Dwell, Feed, Delight, Commit, and Trust in the Lord...then He brings everything to pass. I so often feel that everyone's salvation is on my shoulders so I have to keep going and going till I feel ragged. But all the pouring out is in vain for me, because I am not being poured into. I am not dwelling in His presence.
"Beware of anything that competes with loyalty to Jesus Christ. The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for Him." -Oswald Chambers
Psalm 27:8
When you said "seek My face," my heart said to you, "your face, LORD, I will seek."
-->Notice this verse does not say..."...I will seek your face as soon as I am finished ____, and you can totally have what's left over." So why is that so often my response?
"The enjoyment of God is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the ocean." -Jonathan Edwards.
My personal fave:
"Guard Jealously your relationship to God...If you are depending on anything but Him, you will never know when He is gone." Oswald Chambers
--> I think this is my biggest fear at this point. Am I so concerned with being poured into by my friends, leaders, books, quotes that I won't even notice if God's presence leaves me?! Am I so focused on doing and going that I don't even worry if He is there with me? I want to cry out to God the same concern as Moses...when he proclaimed he would not go anywhere, including the promise land, if God's presence was not there. Oh, I hope that is my cry. If I have nothing but my Father, I have everything. No matter where you call me to go, or what you call me to do, I have you. You are mine. I am yours. And if for one second, my heart wanders, I pray conviction strike me so hard. I pray that the absence of my God send chills up my spine. I want You to strip everything away so that it is just me and You. Nothing compromises my time with you-including ministry. Because if I go like this, I will dwindle. I will be ineffective for Your kingdom because You are not with me. Teach me. Disciple me. Wound me if you have to.
Proverbs 2:1-6
My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom and apply your heart to understanding; yes, if you cry out for discernment, And lift up your voice for understanding. If you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
--> Only through crying out to You can I find a fear for You. I want to fear You so that I would never forget you. What keeps me from surrendering to you as Lord over my life? What keeps me from seeking, and crying out, and opening my ears?
Matthew 22:34-40. These verses talk about the greatest commandments. Love God. Love People. Yet, I forget, all too often, the order. So often I focus on the loving people part. Not a bad thing--as long as I'm understanding the first part-loving God. There is a reason we are to love Him first. He is our purpose, He fills us, we can't TRULY love others without loving Him. He must pour into us, so that we can pour into others.
And the final one, that I just LOVE:
Isaiah 48:9-11 For my name's sake I will defer my anger, so that I do not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, I will do it; For how should My name be profaned? And I will not give My glory to another.
---> The purpose in all that we go through...the purpose that we are refined---HIS GLORY. As He allows us to be wounded and taught and refined, knowing it is all for His glory...doesn't that make that suffering all the better?! and so worth it? It is not so we look like better Christians, or feel better, not so that other people think we are good....but for His Glory. The other products are just bonuses. But even if we got nothing through it all...and when we get nothing through it all...that's okay! Cuz it's for His Glory. And thinking and meditating on what brings Him glory the conclusion comes that He delights the most when we are seeking Him and sitting in His presence. Some wonderful thinkers that have come to this conclusion put it best:
"The greatest display of God's glory comes from deep delight in all that He is." John Piper
-->Does the word "ministry" come up here? What about "do"? No!--DELIGHT. we are to DELIGHT in Him. That's what brings Him glory. Ministry and doing come as a natural overflow from delighting in Him.
"There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes...Am I so in love with Him that I take no account of where I go? Or am I watching for the respect due to me; weighing how much service I ought to give?" Oswald Chambers.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are teaching me. Molding me. Urging me to trust in You, seek You, delight in You. Showing me Your passion for Your own glory. Your desire to be delighted by me. Showing me that comes from spending time with You.

"Consecration means the CONTINUAL separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?" Oswald Chambers

The Process

Preface: As vulnerable as I tend to be, there are some things I can't go to into detail about via blog, however I'll do my best capturing what God is doing in my heart without being able to say as much as I would like.

When hearing how much money we needed to raise for China and learning a process that is very new to me, my initial thoughts were fear, anxiety, doubt. But they gave us 14 quiet times to go through as we are in the midst of this process and the Lord has used each day to disciple me, and quiet my heart.

To share some thoughts:
2 Chronicles 20:6, 15b & 17a
O LORD God of our fathers, are You not God in heaven, and do You not rule over all the kingdoms of the nations, and in Your hand is there not power and might, so that no one is able to withstand You? ...Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude for the battle is not yours but God's...You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you.

2 Chronicles 16:8-9

Because you relied on the LORD, He delivered them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

->Raising 6,000 dollars may seem impossible, but the results are in God's hands. A God who has proved Himself powerful and trustworthy. It's my job to do the work and be obedient and diligent, but leave it to Him--no worrying, no doubting. He fights all of the battle--spiritual, physical, emotional. It is my job to sit, be in His presence and see Him do all the work. He is with me the entire way.

I have seen so much evidence of this in the past couple of days as the Lord is providing funds while giving me opportunity to cast His vision to believers and non-believers. Oswald Chambers once said "We are sent by God to lift up Jesus Christ, not to give wonderfully beautiful discourses." I was tempted yesterday to do just that-tickle someone's ear in hopes they would support me as I knew they probably wouldn't if they knew the real reason I was going. But I could feel God pressing me forward and stirring the conversation that required some boldness. In the end, the person agreed to support me, not because they agreed with what I was doing, but because I didn't back down after they hounded me with questions. Because of the bold speech. After having time to process what happened, it was obvious to me that the Lord allowed me to be obedient to cast His vision, while He worked in the person's heart. He fought that battle and prepared me in obedience to do the work. It is incredible to see the truth of God's Word played out in reality.

One of my favorite verses from this break is from 2 Kings 3:4-19. God provides water to 3 whole armies without rain. He simply fills a ditch with water and tells them to drink. As they drink, none go thirsty out of all those men! The best part is found in verse 18 when it says, "and this is a simple matter in the sight of the LORD." HA! It is simple to Him. Provision is no big deal. Because He is God and He can provide. He just asks for our obedience and faith. Man that gets me excited! The important thing here is to turn our eyes to God in situations like this, rather than just valuing the experience itself. Oswald Chambers writes "Faith that is sure of itself is not faith; faith that is sure of God is the only faith there is." Having faith in God-not the experiences.

Another part of this break has been dealing with sin. The Lord has been so faithful to provide truth constantly to encourage me as well as challenged me to change some things in my lifestyle in order for Him to weed out some sin. Not going into detail, I just want to share some verses and quotes. They speak for themselves.

Amy Carmichael: "My Father, train my soul, today, to pause. When the enemy attacks, hurling words that cause me to take my eyes off of You...When I feel weak, and helpless to do anything but fail again. I will stop. I will look up. No matter what comes, I will say 'But you, O LORD, are my helper!'"

1 Chronicles 21:8-I have sinned greatly, because I have done this thing; but now, I pray, take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have done very foolishly.

Isaiah 8:15-17-And many among them shall stumble; They shall fall and be broken, be shared and taken. Bind up the testimony, seal the law among my disciples. And I will wait on the LORD, who hides His face from the house of Jacob; and I will hope in Him.

Oswald Chambers: "...at all costs you want to be identified with His death...your 'old man' is crucified with Christ...Every now and again, our Lord lets us see what we would be like if it were not for Himself; it is a justification of what He said--'without me ye can do nothing.'"

This one to show that nothing happens without going through His grace:
Isaiah 14:24-The LORD of hosts has sworn, saying, 'surely as I have thought, so it shall come to pass, and as I have purposed, so it shall stand.

Isaiah 17:10-11-Because you have forgotten the God of your salvation, and have not been mindful of the Rock of your stronghold. Therefore you will plant pleasant plants and set out foreign seedlings; in the day you will make your plant to grow, and in teh morning you will make your seed to flourish; but the harvest will be a heap of ruins in the day of grief and desparate sorrow.

1 John 1:7-If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, the bloof of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
Oswald Chambers: "No man knows what sin is until he is born again. The love of God at work in me makes me hate with the hatred of the Holy Ghost all that is not in keeping with God's holiness. To walk in the light means that everything that is of the darkness drives me closer into the center of the light."
->Did you catch that!? Not only do we not hate that which is darkness and not keeping with God's holiness, but we love it. The struggle comes because we love it. We must abhor what is evil and cling to what is good. Hating darkness...that is the fruit of walking in the light.

Oswald Chambers "The battle is lost or won in the secret places of the will before God, never first in the external world...I am obliged to get alone with God and fight the battle out before Him...Nothing has any power over the man who has fought out the battle before God and won there...from that point we either go towards a more and more dilatory and useless type of Christian life, or we become more and more ablaze for the glory of God--my utmost for His highest."
->battle out the sin. Every day. Every moment. Till it's won.
Oswald Chambers: "The relation of the natural to the spiritual is one of continuous conversion, and it is the one thing we object to...our natural life must not rule, God must rule in us."
-> How foolish of me to consider I can go one day wihtout dependency on God merely becuase I have had victory over a particular area once or twice...or even most of the time. The victory is not mine--it is God's. I am nothing without Him. The moment I forget that is the moment I surrender to my own will--which always results in sin. Apart from Him there is no freedom from sin--no victory.

Colossians 1:13-15 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

Habbakkuk 3:18-19 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills.

Victory during troubled times becuase assurance and satisifaction comes from the LORD!

The Judge

Lately, It's been a struggle for me to confess my sins to God. I keep thinking that things are going so well with us, that I would hate for something like sin come in the way. I have this picture in my mind of me looking up to heaven confessing my sin and this huge God looking down on me, disappointment on His face. "I've done alot in you, ya know" He'd say. And all my actions say to Him in return is that He just can't do enough. I'm just too sinful. He isn't powerful enough. Why would He want to redeem someone like me? I make the same mistakes over and again. I'm too much trouble...and the lies in my head keep feeding and feeding.

But this morning, He showed me that the picture I had in my head of how He deals with my sin, is far from truth.
Isaiah 43:24b-26 "But you have burdened me with your sins, you have wearied me with your iniquities. I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance, let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."
-->So the truth is, if I hold onto my sin, I burden Him and make Him weary. When He blots out my sin, He does it for His glory and He does it forever--not remembering. He wants us working together, to talk through my sin so that He can have me acquitted, and I can be free of it forever. The reason for confession is not so He can then look down on me and be disappointed, He is disappointed when I sin and the moment I confess it is the moment He forgives.

It's funny how these things seem so elementary. Don't you learn this stuff in sunday school in like 3rd grade? Head knowledge is different from heart knowledge. a 9 inch gap that makes all the difference.

One.

Decision.December 1st. The deadline. The day for folks to decide whether they are going to China, SBP, Common Ground, School, Staying at Home, Taking on internships. The prayer and begging for wisdom and discernment during this time has been exponential. I think today marks a new journey for me and almost all of my close friends. I'm excited to see what it holds.

Gospel.We have our last CO meeting of the semester tonight too. Wrapping up our serious on American Idols: tonight features the American Dream, Money and Success. Guarding tonight in prayer, praying for numbers and readied hearts as the gospel is preached.

Spirit. I feel the Lord moving. Across our campus into new hearts. In our own hearts. Teaching us new things, Challenging us beyond what we could have ever imagined. My prayer is that we recognize what He gives. Knowing that all things come from Him. Giving thanks. But also that we approach everything in prayer. This truth needing to be preached most into my heart. I pray we do nothing apart from God and His presence. For what is any sort of progress without Him?

Peace.It's strange how peaceful I feel in the midst of such a crazy week. I think the Lord just wants me to know how much He is in control. If I just continue following the path that He is calling me to, everything will work out.

Trust. Trusting in His plan. Trusting Him to be in control.

Surrender. Surrendering my will. Surrendering my control.

Truth. Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings,

ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD, over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is full of majesty.

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the LORD flashes forth flames of fire. The The voice of the LORD shakes the wilderness;

the LORD shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the LORD makes the deer give birth
and strips the forests bare,
and in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD sits enthroned as king forever.
May the LORD give strength to his people!
May the LORD bless his people with peace!

How often I forget...to give thanks.

Psalm 143: 6,8

I spread out my hands to You, my soul longs for You like a thirsty land, cause me to hear Your loving kindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.

--How often I forget my need for the Lord. How often I believe that I can do it. As soon as I feel I've learned something, I stop relying on Him for it. Ceasing to ask anything of Him in prayer because I really think that qualities such as self-control and wisdom can be learned on my own. If I can just do this...or refrain from doing that, then I will have these things. How foolish! It's so critical for us to know that EVERYTHING which we receive comes from the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

2 Thessalonians 2:13

But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren, beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.

--How often I forget that I didn't have the power to choose God. I must thank him for choosing me to be His follower. I must thank Him for sending people to open my eyes to His truth. I must thank Him for Jesus, for without whom I would forever be in separation from God. I must thank Him for strengthening me in His word and building me up. Thank Him for tools such as Campus Outreach for discipleship. Thank Him for the body that He has surrounded me with. Thank him for the missional heart and girls He has put in my path. Thank Him for all that He is. Constantly. Acknowledging His providence. Acknowledging that He is the source of all things. Praying for humility to always be thankful to Him for what He does in my life understanding that I deserve nothing from Him, when so often I just expect it. So let us take heed to this command, and without ceasing, give thanks to He who chose us through sanctification. It is His will.

Brokenes and Burden.

Not much to be said here. Just much to reflect upon. Mostly His grace which is sufficient, His strength which is perfect in weakness, His love and His mercy.

The past two days have just left me hurting for people around me. Seeing things from within rather than so objectively as before. Being effected by situations that I've always known to be injustice but never felt as a burning anger or overwhelming sadness.

These things are not mine to hold. I am to capitulate them to the Lord as I take on others' burdens. He gives me others' rocks to carry so that I can bring them to Him. For those not yet strong enough to come on their own.

I need truth to fight the lies that so easily tell me God doesn't care. I know He does in my heart. I've seen it in my life. But there are moments, watching other people as they fight off depression and suicide and hearing stories of murder and rape...this is when "trustworthy" is hard to believe. So truth? Yes. Let's search for some.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness...Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain merce and find grace to help in a time of need. Hebrews 4: 15-16

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-17

In the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast...God that performeth all things for me...my heart is fixed: I will sing and I will give praise. Psalm 57

That last one is a doozy. That's the truth we must cling to. And in the end, praise Him.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face

Wow, what an incredible day.

The Lord gave me rest.

Rest in Him.

To sit in His presence for the first time in a long time.

Just that small taste...has left me wanting more.

Last night I had a very encouraging conversation with a dear friend and he reminded me to go back to the basics. Sometimes I just get so caught up in wanting to do what's right that I forget why. I forget where the Lord has brought me--from, through and to. We brainstormed 10 things God has taught us in the last year. Then proposed the challenge to line each lesson with a bible verse or two, and post it somewhere where we would constantly be reminded of what He's done. This morning I spent some time going through the first three on our list. (they are in no particular order of importance as they are all important).

1) God forgives everything, no matter how stupid I am. He will never let me go.

2) Praise the Creator--not the creation.

3) Relationships should always be pushing us closer to Him.

The verses the Lord showed me through these topics set up my day to really just reflect on Him and how worthy of praise He is. Wednesday is usually my super long day filled with classes from 10-6 but my extra long class was cancelled today, so I had some free time. Grabbed coffee with a dear friend and had some super encouraging conversation. Came back to my room...and thought...hey I have like an hour, what can I do? Clear as day I just heard the Lord calling me to come sit and be with Him. So...in my new journal I bought yesterday :)...I started talking with Him. As I got to the subject of China and reminding Him that I wanted to obey Him and seek Him...it hit me...like a ton of bricks. It's like he flat out said BA...you haven't even asked me. I am so caught up in going about making this decision in the right way and following His will and telling Him that's what I want to do that I forgot the reason behind it all in the beginning. Christ's love compels me. My Father loves me. That is why I love Him back. It isn't about performing for Him, that comes when I love Him. I kept wondering why such a disconnect between us lately. It's because I haven't just talked with Him. At Him? yes. Towards Him? Def. But In all of this "trying to do the right thing" I didn't even ask Him what it was. How foolish am I? Where are my motives? I finally asked Him if He wanted me to go to China. Although I don't know if He's given me an answer yet, I immediately felt His presence fill me. It was the most real sensation I've felt from Him in a long time. He doesn't want my sacrifices. He doesn't want my words. He just wants me to sit in His presence. Why do I always make it more than that?

Then tonight my friend Cory spoke at Campus Outreach. We are doing a series called American Idols in which we explore the common things we put above God from our society. The first week was image, the second, approval. This week's dealt with comfort. Man did the Holy Spirit convict. He used Matthew 19:16-26 where Jesus commands a rich man to sell everything. The man just couldn't. He saw to much value in the things He had. He couldn't see Jesus as more valuable than giving up everything for. Cory talked about how we don't want to give up anything. We want to have Jesus and everything else too. But these things keep us from intimacy with God...is it worth it? I don't see how anything could be worth that. Revelation 3:14-22 talks about the Lukewarm (comfortable) church. They want to take what they have and buy salvation, they can't see that it's worth more than anything we can ever have. Luke 19:1-9 talks about a rich man (Zacchaeus) gives up all that he has after understanding the value of Jesus. He saw that getting Jesus means getting everything. I couldn't help but ask the questions: What does it look like in my life to be uncomfortable? What am I holding onto? What, if the Lord commanded me to give up, would make me hesitate?

Some things to sift through.

The other resource God is teaching me through is a book by Elisabeth Elliot (late wife of Jim Elliot) called Passion and Purity. It has been incredible. Essentially it searches how to pursue a life of purity under Christ's control. The Lord is RADICALLY changing my mindset in this area. Just want to pull out a few quotes from that to leave you with:

There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere.

O Love, that wilt not let me go,

I rest my wear soul in Thee;

I give Thee back the life I owe,

That in Thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

-George Matheson

If there is an Enemy of Souls, one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man or woman's passions become his battleground. The Lover of Souls does not prevent this...He wants us to learn to use our weapons.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face--Elizabeth Clephane

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

(put on a whole new meaning while reading this book)

He gives all.

He asks all.

Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship.