The Judge

Lately, It's been a struggle for me to confess my sins to God. I keep thinking that things are going so well with us, that I would hate for something like sin come in the way. I have this picture in my mind of me looking up to heaven confessing my sin and this huge God looking down on me, disappointment on His face. "I've done alot in you, ya know" He'd say. And all my actions say to Him in return is that He just can't do enough. I'm just too sinful. He isn't powerful enough. Why would He want to redeem someone like me? I make the same mistakes over and again. I'm too much trouble...and the lies in my head keep feeding and feeding.

But this morning, He showed me that the picture I had in my head of how He deals with my sin, is far from truth.
Isaiah 43:24b-26 "But you have burdened me with your sins, you have wearied me with your iniquities. I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance, let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."
-->So the truth is, if I hold onto my sin, I burden Him and make Him weary. When He blots out my sin, He does it for His glory and He does it forever--not remembering. He wants us working together, to talk through my sin so that He can have me acquitted, and I can be free of it forever. The reason for confession is not so He can then look down on me and be disappointed, He is disappointed when I sin and the moment I confess it is the moment He forgives.

It's funny how these things seem so elementary. Don't you learn this stuff in sunday school in like 3rd grade? Head knowledge is different from heart knowledge. a 9 inch gap that makes all the difference.

One.

Decision.December 1st. The deadline. The day for folks to decide whether they are going to China, SBP, Common Ground, School, Staying at Home, Taking on internships. The prayer and begging for wisdom and discernment during this time has been exponential. I think today marks a new journey for me and almost all of my close friends. I'm excited to see what it holds.

Gospel.We have our last CO meeting of the semester tonight too. Wrapping up our serious on American Idols: tonight features the American Dream, Money and Success. Guarding tonight in prayer, praying for numbers and readied hearts as the gospel is preached.

Spirit. I feel the Lord moving. Across our campus into new hearts. In our own hearts. Teaching us new things, Challenging us beyond what we could have ever imagined. My prayer is that we recognize what He gives. Knowing that all things come from Him. Giving thanks. But also that we approach everything in prayer. This truth needing to be preached most into my heart. I pray we do nothing apart from God and His presence. For what is any sort of progress without Him?

Peace.It's strange how peaceful I feel in the midst of such a crazy week. I think the Lord just wants me to know how much He is in control. If I just continue following the path that He is calling me to, everything will work out.

Trust. Trusting in His plan. Trusting Him to be in control.

Surrender. Surrendering my will. Surrendering my control.

Truth. Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings,

ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD, over many waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is full of majesty.

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the LORD flashes forth flames of fire. The The voice of the LORD shakes the wilderness;

the LORD shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the LORD makes the deer give birth
and strips the forests bare,
and in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD sits enthroned as king forever.
May the LORD give strength to his people!
May the LORD bless his people with peace!

How often I forget...to give thanks.

Psalm 143: 6,8

I spread out my hands to You, my soul longs for You like a thirsty land, cause me to hear Your loving kindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.

--How often I forget my need for the Lord. How often I believe that I can do it. As soon as I feel I've learned something, I stop relying on Him for it. Ceasing to ask anything of Him in prayer because I really think that qualities such as self-control and wisdom can be learned on my own. If I can just do this...or refrain from doing that, then I will have these things. How foolish! It's so critical for us to know that EVERYTHING which we receive comes from the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

2 Thessalonians 2:13

But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren, beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.

--How often I forget that I didn't have the power to choose God. I must thank him for choosing me to be His follower. I must thank Him for sending people to open my eyes to His truth. I must thank Him for Jesus, for without whom I would forever be in separation from God. I must thank Him for strengthening me in His word and building me up. Thank Him for tools such as Campus Outreach for discipleship. Thank Him for the body that He has surrounded me with. Thank him for the missional heart and girls He has put in my path. Thank Him for all that He is. Constantly. Acknowledging His providence. Acknowledging that He is the source of all things. Praying for humility to always be thankful to Him for what He does in my life understanding that I deserve nothing from Him, when so often I just expect it. So let us take heed to this command, and without ceasing, give thanks to He who chose us through sanctification. It is His will.

Brokenes and Burden.

Not much to be said here. Just much to reflect upon. Mostly His grace which is sufficient, His strength which is perfect in weakness, His love and His mercy.

The past two days have just left me hurting for people around me. Seeing things from within rather than so objectively as before. Being effected by situations that I've always known to be injustice but never felt as a burning anger or overwhelming sadness.

These things are not mine to hold. I am to capitulate them to the Lord as I take on others' burdens. He gives me others' rocks to carry so that I can bring them to Him. For those not yet strong enough to come on their own.

I need truth to fight the lies that so easily tell me God doesn't care. I know He does in my heart. I've seen it in my life. But there are moments, watching other people as they fight off depression and suicide and hearing stories of murder and rape...this is when "trustworthy" is hard to believe. So truth? Yes. Let's search for some.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness...Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain merce and find grace to help in a time of need. Hebrews 4: 15-16

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-17

In the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast...God that performeth all things for me...my heart is fixed: I will sing and I will give praise. Psalm 57

That last one is a doozy. That's the truth we must cling to. And in the end, praise Him.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face

Wow, what an incredible day.

The Lord gave me rest.

Rest in Him.

To sit in His presence for the first time in a long time.

Just that small taste...has left me wanting more.

Last night I had a very encouraging conversation with a dear friend and he reminded me to go back to the basics. Sometimes I just get so caught up in wanting to do what's right that I forget why. I forget where the Lord has brought me--from, through and to. We brainstormed 10 things God has taught us in the last year. Then proposed the challenge to line each lesson with a bible verse or two, and post it somewhere where we would constantly be reminded of what He's done. This morning I spent some time going through the first three on our list. (they are in no particular order of importance as they are all important).

1) God forgives everything, no matter how stupid I am. He will never let me go.

2) Praise the Creator--not the creation.

3) Relationships should always be pushing us closer to Him.

The verses the Lord showed me through these topics set up my day to really just reflect on Him and how worthy of praise He is. Wednesday is usually my super long day filled with classes from 10-6 but my extra long class was cancelled today, so I had some free time. Grabbed coffee with a dear friend and had some super encouraging conversation. Came back to my room...and thought...hey I have like an hour, what can I do? Clear as day I just heard the Lord calling me to come sit and be with Him. So...in my new journal I bought yesterday :)...I started talking with Him. As I got to the subject of China and reminding Him that I wanted to obey Him and seek Him...it hit me...like a ton of bricks. It's like he flat out said BA...you haven't even asked me. I am so caught up in going about making this decision in the right way and following His will and telling Him that's what I want to do that I forgot the reason behind it all in the beginning. Christ's love compels me. My Father loves me. That is why I love Him back. It isn't about performing for Him, that comes when I love Him. I kept wondering why such a disconnect between us lately. It's because I haven't just talked with Him. At Him? yes. Towards Him? Def. But In all of this "trying to do the right thing" I didn't even ask Him what it was. How foolish am I? Where are my motives? I finally asked Him if He wanted me to go to China. Although I don't know if He's given me an answer yet, I immediately felt His presence fill me. It was the most real sensation I've felt from Him in a long time. He doesn't want my sacrifices. He doesn't want my words. He just wants me to sit in His presence. Why do I always make it more than that?

Then tonight my friend Cory spoke at Campus Outreach. We are doing a series called American Idols in which we explore the common things we put above God from our society. The first week was image, the second, approval. This week's dealt with comfort. Man did the Holy Spirit convict. He used Matthew 19:16-26 where Jesus commands a rich man to sell everything. The man just couldn't. He saw to much value in the things He had. He couldn't see Jesus as more valuable than giving up everything for. Cory talked about how we don't want to give up anything. We want to have Jesus and everything else too. But these things keep us from intimacy with God...is it worth it? I don't see how anything could be worth that. Revelation 3:14-22 talks about the Lukewarm (comfortable) church. They want to take what they have and buy salvation, they can't see that it's worth more than anything we can ever have. Luke 19:1-9 talks about a rich man (Zacchaeus) gives up all that he has after understanding the value of Jesus. He saw that getting Jesus means getting everything. I couldn't help but ask the questions: What does it look like in my life to be uncomfortable? What am I holding onto? What, if the Lord commanded me to give up, would make me hesitate?

Some things to sift through.

The other resource God is teaching me through is a book by Elisabeth Elliot (late wife of Jim Elliot) called Passion and Purity. It has been incredible. Essentially it searches how to pursue a life of purity under Christ's control. The Lord is RADICALLY changing my mindset in this area. Just want to pull out a few quotes from that to leave you with:

There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere.

O Love, that wilt not let me go,

I rest my wear soul in Thee;

I give Thee back the life I owe,

That in Thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

-George Matheson

If there is an Enemy of Souls, one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man or woman's passions become his battleground. The Lover of Souls does not prevent this...He wants us to learn to use our weapons.

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face--Elizabeth Clephane

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God

(put on a whole new meaning while reading this book)

He gives all.

He asks all.

Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship.

What is the Wise thing to do?

So...I haven't blogged in a while. In fact, at the moment I have a blog just waiting in my drafts to be published...but it isn't finished. It's regarding all that I learned at beach project, which is probably why it isn't finished--so much to process through.

so life update.

Well, the Lord has been doing TONS here at the Berry College. Most of all, expanding my ministry missionally. He has just put so many opportunities in my path to share the gospel on a regular basis and pour into others' lives. By His grace, my friends and I are actively seeking Him and sharing His love to the world. It has been incredible. Still tons to pray for. That our ministries continue to flourish and we continue to depend on the Lord's grace. That the hearts of the people on this campus be receptive. That the men's ministry on our campus continue to grow as the Lord strengthens men to lead us in ministry. Most of all, in all of this, that God go before us and prepare the way. Using Exodus 32-33, our leaders have encouraged us to adopt these verses as our mindset in ministry and personal growth. In this, we pray for the Lord to reveal to us the things we worship more than God--seeing our sinfulness. As well as refusing to do what God wants without His presence--begging Him to come with us and go before us.

Recently I was presented with a pretty incredible opportunity to serve the Lord and the process in which He revealed this opportunity was so reflective of His glory. About two weeks ago, I really felt the Lord calling me to pray for my summer and begin searching opportunities to serve Him and further His kingdom. I looked into a few options and realized that, more than anything, I wanted to do something more missional with my summer. Last Wednesday I had a meeting where Kevin, our Campus Outreach area Director, presented the opportunity to me and a handful of my other friends to go to China for 6 weeks and establish a CO connection there with the students and city in Nanjing, China. Here, we would have biblical training in the mornings and in the afternoons we would establish relationships with the students through english tutoring and campus visits in order to further advance the good news.

Also, last week, I listened to the first of a series of sermons by Andy Stanley titled "The Best Question Ever" in which Andy Stanley discusses making decisions based off the question "What is the Wise thing to do?" He uses Ephesians 5:15 as the biblical reference. He talks about how choosing wisdom is a high standard, the opposite of culture and so we are to not be foolish or careless and the verse COMMANDS us to know what the will of the Lord is. He talks about how we deceive ourselves too often and that we just need to face-up to the fact that God has something bigger in mind for us. So there are three parts to this question. What is the wise thing to do:

1. in light of my past experience

2. in light of my current circumstances

3. in light of my future hopes and dreams

We are to answer honestly and have the courage to follow through. We are to ask ourselves what it is within us that refuses to do what we know will take us where we want to go. It isn't necessarily what the right or wrong thing is, but what the wise thing is.

At this point, I do not sense a full yes or no from the Lord as I feel He is using this time for us to draw nearer to one another and strengthen our intimacy. For now, I ask for prayer as I discern what the wise decision is here. I also ask that you pray as I will be raising support if, indeed the Lord does ask me to go. I pray that you ask the Lord how you can help serve, whether through finance or prayer. I also encourage you to ask yourself, in all decisions, big or small, What is the Wise thing to do??

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

The young, The old and Biblical Womanhood

My goodness...God has been a workin! In saying that I need to clarify that God is always working but here lately He has just shown His wonderful grace in allowing me to see His glory on a daily basis. Not from anything I have done or am but because of God working in me, I have had the opportunity almost every day for the past 2 1/5 weeks to share my faith on some level with someone. Watching God orchestrate divine appointments has allowed me to surrender my pride in realizing nothing I do allows these things to happen. One example is from last Tuesday at the gym. I go to the gym 5 days a week at 2pm without fail with one of the staff of CO. well, last Tuesday, something came up and we both needed to go at 1. Besides changing the time, I really just wasn't feeling like working out that day but because Christy was going, it held me accountable to go as well. I always do 10 minutes of cardio, usually running on the treadmill, before lifting weights. After I was finished, I used the elliptical behind me to stretch my calve muscles. well there was this girl on the machine that had the same shirt as a few other young people, signifying they were all there for the same reason. I overheard her talking to one of the trainers about how they were there with an organization that helps troubled teens and got really curious. I started asking her questions and she without hesitation just spilled her life story and what this organization was doing for her. About 5 minutes into our conversation this man came over and yelled at me for talking to and "distracting" his "workers." I won't lie, he scared me pretty badly. So I apologized and walked away to continue my work out...But I couldn't focus. I was really torn with feeling like I needed to go back over there and talk to the girls but I was afraid of the man. I very clearly could feel God tugging on my heart telling me He would protect me. With a sudden peace, I got up and walked back over to the girls who were now riding bikes. I sat down to a girl I hadn't talked to and just started asking some surface level questions. I honestly felt ill equipped for such a conversation and just asked that God would let it flow. Almost as soon as I prayed that the girl just started drilling me with questions about if I was in college and where and why I was down here and what kind of books I liked to read. Every single question was almost designed for me to share about why I was here and what God was doing. We were able to talk for a good 20 minutes about her beliefs and where she comes from spiritually. She was very curious and very excited to talk about it. I then found out they are in the gym around 1 almost every day. As we left and I told christy about what happened, her face just lit up. She explained to me how before I started talking to the girls she was burdened to talk to them but felt God telling her to pray for them instead. She said she felt so much war as the man came over and yelled at me and then began discussing self-help ideas with the kids and how her flesh just wanted to go preach to him but God was telling her to pray. she said it was so neat from her perspective to see God open the doors for me to talk to the girls as she stood back and prayed. What a beautiful picture of evangelism and fellowship through the Body of Christ! One thing we talked about last week was how Jesus never sent anyone out by themselves to further the mission, it was always with other believers. Seeing how things worked last week I really understand why that is how it is.

At work I've just been blessed with opportunity to discuss what I'm learning with my coworkers or even women that walk in the store. My job duties require me to converse with the women that come in the store and how perfect an environment for me to be able to funnel the conversation to God. It's been awesome.

Last week was the relationship seminar and we talked about everything from relationships in the body of Christ to dating and marriage, to Biblical womanhood and Godly contentment. My next blog is going to discuss those things and hopefully I will get a chance to post it in the next couple of days. In the mean time, I ask that you pray for me as I continue to learn and for my dgroup as they are growing in the Lord. Pray for my friend Christy as she is raising support for her job (because EVERYONE on CO staff raises support for their salary, even families with kids and stay at home moms! How cool is that?) Just pray that God will provide and if you know of anyone that would be interested in supporting her in any way, please let me know. Also pray that we can take all that we learn and build a firm foundation this summer to take back to our campuses and our families upon returning. Its encouraging to see 140 college students, male and female, pursuing a strong relationship with God. The way we treat each other and protect each other is like nothing I've ever seen before and I just know it is our hearts for that to continue as we leave this environment into one that doesn't not easily cater to such an uplifting atmosphere. Thank you for your support and your prayers.