Twenty five days ago I posted a blog in the midst of God's presence. Reading it, a mixture of feelings washes over me. Feelings of joy, longing, shame, confusion...because for the past two weeks I have completely torn down every part of me that was dependent on God and taken complete control of my life. The first time I admitted this to myself and others, out loud, was last tuesday at Bible study. I then explained to Pam and Lindsay how I had taken complete control over every decision in my life and stopped considering God altogether. It isn't the first time that's happened but it is the first time I have ever been okay with it. It's the first time I didn't want to go back to being in the middle of God's will. I liked the way things were going, I liked the control. Little did I know God was let me, fully, have the control I thought I wanted...and then I fell apart. I realized how different I've been. I realized how completely immature I've been and truly saw the unwise decisions I have been making in their fullness. Four days ago I told the girls in my bible study that I didn't want to change and go back to following God. Today, I rebuke that statement and am ashamed to even admit to saying it. At this very moment I am not where I want to be. But thankfully, finally, I want to be close to God again. I already feel like myself again. I am so ready to be consistent. I know God is ready for me to be consistent. I mean, goodness, He has been patiently waiting my return for quite some time. As of right now, I don't feel complete or full or joyful, but I am hopeful because I know each of those await me right around the corner. I must thank my God, once again, for his forgiveness and freedom. I don't understand it, but I accept it.
I cannot believe I'm this dirty
I'm ashamed to even ask to be clean
'Cause I can't think of anyone less worthy
I have nothing to offer or to bring
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I'm not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I'm just stumbling through this night
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain
Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame
So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? If our God is with us, who could stand against?
I feel like my heart could explode it is so very very full. I have just spent the last four days in Atlanta at Passion Conference. Yes, there were some incredible names-Louie Giglio, Francis Chan, John Piper, Andy Stanley, Beth Moore, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Hillsong, Charlie Hall, Christian Stanfill, Fee, Christy Knockels, the list goes on, but the only name receiving praise from the more than 20,000 students gathered was that of Jesus Christ. The zeal and passion dedicated through praise to our Creator was so real, I can only pray that it does not wear out. For me, this was not an emotional experience or spiritual high, but a progression of an ongoing walk. A walk that is now deeper and stronger and more courageous than ever before. I have learned so much these past four days and I know it is only the beginning of a deeper walk than before. One thing that I know I need to do more of, is share, constantly, how God is working in my life and ask those around me what He is doing in theirs. So, here comes the sharing!!!
Each day and each teaching the Lord brought through some incredibly anointed speakers touched my heart and built on the teaching preceding it. Sunday morning, Beth Moore brought a message from Hebrews chapter 13 verses 20 and 21. Her main message was about how God equips us to do His good and perfect will. In her third point, she spoke about accepting God's healing and restoration in your life. For me, this hit pretty hard. Before I left for Passion, I yearned for healing and freedom from the funk I was in. As Beth spoke those words, I immediately felt God tugging at my heart. I could hear Him whispering over me telling me I needed to accept His love and embrace His healing so that He could bring restoration in my life, take back my heart and break the chains that were binding me. He kept reminding me that I couldn't truly show other people His restoration unless I experienced it first. I immediately began the process of surrendering my pain and hurt to Him. I accepted the healing he was offering and quickly felt the chains broken but I still couldn't quite let them go. I just kept hearing Him say to me "Don't worry, I have you my child. Where My spirit is there is freedom. Let go." But I couldn't...not yet. I was confident the time would come.
Monday morning Andy Stanley explained that it was a mistake to decide what you wanted to do before you determine who you are. This spoke volumes to me. I recently came to the conclusion of what I think I want to do after college but I was still unsettled with my future. Knowing that I still hadn't decided WHO I wanted to be. I mean, I knew where I wanted to be and what I wanted to achieve, but actually narrowing down specific characteristics I want to strive for. and with those characteristics, explanations, definitions, consequences, verses to back them up and an action plan to achieve each. I've been praying, constantly for about a year and a half now for the woman God wants to make me and always admiring various characteristics in strong Christian women, excited for the day I may hold the same ones. Then God said to me "Beth Anne, why are you hoping for these in the future? What's the wait? I want you to become this woman right now!" So I was like....Well Okay God, let's make it happen. Ha, there are some more details there with my meditation with God and His guidance but there are some things better left to face-to-face conversations ya know?
This morning, Louie spoke. What I heard from God was what are you still not surrendering to Me? My son didn't just live a perfect life, he was so obedient to me even to take on death--death on a cross! What are you not giving to Me? What is standing in your way to reach Me?" At that point my response was simply "I'm not sure, but I am willing to figure it out so that I can reach you." Then came worship. Worship used to be an experience for me. Something I was constantly attempting to gain from. A couple of years ago I realized that worship isn't about me and what I get out of it, but praising God...the end. That's all. Since then I've never made Worship an emotional thing, where I only was happy if I felt something, but rather a time to just lift up and glorify my Creator. On the other hand, as I rediscovered this morning, even though it isn't about us, God still uses this time to speak to us. Ha, it's funny. Even His teaching during this time has nothing to do with us! It's still about giving Him glory! (That's something God taught us through John Piper) Sorry, I got distracted by that realization. Anywho, back to worship this morning. So, this morning, God told me that He had brought healing and restoration into my life and that he had broken the chains and wanted me to be free....He told me I was holding on to chains that aren't even binding me anymore and that all I had to do was let go. and so I did!!!!!!! And can I say, I have never ever ever ever felt such complete freedom in my life! I have Itunes playing right now and it just so happens the words are "Chainbreaker, Heart savior, Jesus the great redeemer! Life Changer! Liberator! Jesus the great redeemer! We are free we are free, yea the Son has set us free, Drop your chains, sons and daughters come and run in liberty!!!!!!!" My goodness, He never ceases showing His glory if only we would open our eyes to what He is showing us.
Passion 2010 was not an emotional experience for me. It was not a spiritual experience. It has been a natural progression to my faith. God has taught me so much every day. But it doesn't stop today. He is going to teach me tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day...and all the days that I allow Him to. Passion 2010 was not about how many people were there, it was the fact that God is here. Passion 2010 wasn't about how much money was raised, but about what God is doing through our lives. Passion 2010 was not about how big it was, but about how big God is. Louie asked us before we left if we could make it out of the building and make it all the way back to our everyday lives with God shining on our faces. I'm wondering if everyone is still smiling and praising and singing and shouting all for the name of God. My prayer is that every one of the 20,000+ students from over 1100 universities around the world will not forget the life they promised to live while at Passion 2010. We are not alone. We have one another desiring the same revolution the same AWAKENING. But most of all, Our Maker is ready to do His work. I pray we can be his good and faithful servants.
If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then who could stand against?
Each day and each teaching the Lord brought through some incredibly anointed speakers touched my heart and built on the teaching preceding it. Sunday morning, Beth Moore brought a message from Hebrews chapter 13 verses 20 and 21. Her main message was about how God equips us to do His good and perfect will. In her third point, she spoke about accepting God's healing and restoration in your life. For me, this hit pretty hard. Before I left for Passion, I yearned for healing and freedom from the funk I was in. As Beth spoke those words, I immediately felt God tugging at my heart. I could hear Him whispering over me telling me I needed to accept His love and embrace His healing so that He could bring restoration in my life, take back my heart and break the chains that were binding me. He kept reminding me that I couldn't truly show other people His restoration unless I experienced it first. I immediately began the process of surrendering my pain and hurt to Him. I accepted the healing he was offering and quickly felt the chains broken but I still couldn't quite let them go. I just kept hearing Him say to me "Don't worry, I have you my child. Where My spirit is there is freedom. Let go." But I couldn't...not yet. I was confident the time would come.
Monday morning Andy Stanley explained that it was a mistake to decide what you wanted to do before you determine who you are. This spoke volumes to me. I recently came to the conclusion of what I think I want to do after college but I was still unsettled with my future. Knowing that I still hadn't decided WHO I wanted to be. I mean, I knew where I wanted to be and what I wanted to achieve, but actually narrowing down specific characteristics I want to strive for. and with those characteristics, explanations, definitions, consequences, verses to back them up and an action plan to achieve each. I've been praying, constantly for about a year and a half now for the woman God wants to make me and always admiring various characteristics in strong Christian women, excited for the day I may hold the same ones. Then God said to me "Beth Anne, why are you hoping for these in the future? What's the wait? I want you to become this woman right now!" So I was like....Well Okay God, let's make it happen. Ha, there are some more details there with my meditation with God and His guidance but there are some things better left to face-to-face conversations ya know?
This morning, Louie spoke. What I heard from God was what are you still not surrendering to Me? My son didn't just live a perfect life, he was so obedient to me even to take on death--death on a cross! What are you not giving to Me? What is standing in your way to reach Me?" At that point my response was simply "I'm not sure, but I am willing to figure it out so that I can reach you." Then came worship. Worship used to be an experience for me. Something I was constantly attempting to gain from. A couple of years ago I realized that worship isn't about me and what I get out of it, but praising God...the end. That's all. Since then I've never made Worship an emotional thing, where I only was happy if I felt something, but rather a time to just lift up and glorify my Creator. On the other hand, as I rediscovered this morning, even though it isn't about us, God still uses this time to speak to us. Ha, it's funny. Even His teaching during this time has nothing to do with us! It's still about giving Him glory! (That's something God taught us through John Piper) Sorry, I got distracted by that realization. Anywho, back to worship this morning. So, this morning, God told me that He had brought healing and restoration into my life and that he had broken the chains and wanted me to be free....He told me I was holding on to chains that aren't even binding me anymore and that all I had to do was let go. and so I did!!!!!!! And can I say, I have never ever ever ever felt such complete freedom in my life! I have Itunes playing right now and it just so happens the words are "Chainbreaker, Heart savior, Jesus the great redeemer! Life Changer! Liberator! Jesus the great redeemer! We are free we are free, yea the Son has set us free, Drop your chains, sons and daughters come and run in liberty!!!!!!!" My goodness, He never ceases showing His glory if only we would open our eyes to what He is showing us.
Passion 2010 was not an emotional experience for me. It was not a spiritual experience. It has been a natural progression to my faith. God has taught me so much every day. But it doesn't stop today. He is going to teach me tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day...and all the days that I allow Him to. Passion 2010 was not about how many people were there, it was the fact that God is here. Passion 2010 wasn't about how much money was raised, but about what God is doing through our lives. Passion 2010 was not about how big it was, but about how big God is. Louie asked us before we left if we could make it out of the building and make it all the way back to our everyday lives with God shining on our faces. I'm wondering if everyone is still smiling and praising and singing and shouting all for the name of God. My prayer is that every one of the 20,000+ students from over 1100 universities around the world will not forget the life they promised to live while at Passion 2010. We are not alone. We have one another desiring the same revolution the same AWAKENING. But most of all, Our Maker is ready to do His work. I pray we can be his good and faithful servants.
If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us and if our God is with us then who could stand against?
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