I don't know how I got here...

Twenty five days ago I posted a blog in the midst of God's presence. Reading it, a mixture of feelings washes over me. Feelings of joy, longing, shame, confusion...because for the past two weeks I have completely torn down every part of me that was dependent on God and taken complete control of my life. The first time I admitted this to myself and others, out loud, was last tuesday at Bible study. I then explained to Pam and Lindsay how I had taken complete control over every decision in my life and stopped considering God altogether. It isn't the first time that's happened but it is the first time I have ever been okay with it. It's the first time I didn't want to go back to being in the middle of God's will. I liked the way things were going, I liked the control. Little did I know God was let me, fully, have the control I thought I wanted...and then I fell apart. I realized how different I've been. I realized how completely immature I've been and truly saw the unwise decisions I have been making in their fullness. Four days ago I told the girls in my bible study that I didn't want to change and go back to following God. Today, I rebuke that statement and am ashamed to even admit to saying it. At this very moment I am not where I want to be. But thankfully, finally, I want to be close to God again. I already feel like myself again. I am so ready to be consistent. I know God is ready for me to be consistent. I mean, goodness, He has been patiently waiting my return for quite some time. As of right now, I don't feel complete or full or joyful, but I am hopeful because I know each of those await me right around the corner. I must thank my God, once again, for his forgiveness and freedom. I don't understand it, but I accept it.

I cannot believe I'm this dirty
I'm ashamed to even ask to be clean
'Cause I can't think of anyone less worthy
I have nothing to offer or to bring
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I'm not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I'm just stumbling through this night
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain
Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame
So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait