The calm before the storm

These past few weeks have been complete hell. I keep referencing previous blogs but...It works...When I wrote my last blog, I had no idea what was ahead of me. Here it is, March...and I can safely say February was the worst month of my life. January 30th I was ready to turn my life around, be the woman I have been growing into all these years, but some hard stuff hit me and I realized how little I put my trust in God. It was easy for me to trust him when life was going well, but when the going got tough and I couldn't handle it, I crumbled. I turned to everything but Him. At this point I can't promise a turn around. It's my desire, but I am afraid these unfulfilled promises to God on my part are getting a little tired. Last week I hit the darkest place in my life i have every been. Battling some pretty scary depression, God used some friends to wake me up and pull me back. I am getting there. I feel better than I have in a long time. I have found happiness but realized tonight that I have been trying to change based off feeling for quite some time now. What I need is to embrace God's joy. I miss that. I have known a verse in Philippians since I was 15...."Be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will be made known to you"...I may have butchered that verse a little, I am going off of pure memory. However, knowing these words in my head and not believing them in my heart has been one of my biggest pretends. I want to stop having the head knowledge of Christ and instead embrace his truth and believe it...believe meaning trust in it, not have the intelligence of it...guess we shall see...