Just because I don't want to work on my essay...

So...I find it odd that I love to write when I'm not forced....but such is life. I've nothing significant to say, just want to get my mind into a writing mood so that, perchance, I will be able to write a bit of my lil essay...and by lil I mean Hellish. So anywho, let's see what to write what to write. Well, Just got back from Easter with the fam....that's not really a subject I care to discuss....so let's talk about potential summer plans. Option number one: Summer Beach Project. Pro's--personal growth in Christ, discipleship, Evangelism, spending all summer with Megan and Abby...Cons--beach all summer, set schedule, rules, commitment....Hard to see what weighs more at the moment. Option two: Virginia. What's in Virginia you may ask? Well, nothing dealing with school or work, and that's pretty appealing in and of itself. Pro's--working with children all summer, ministry, escaping current life, Andrew (that's a big one), being in a new environment, not having a set schedule, being able to come home if I need to....Cons--where does my spiritual growth fit in (not to say it doesn't, just not sure where it is at the moment), kinda far away (which I guess could be a pro or con), looks like I'm making decisions based off a fella (which is not the case), Don't really know anyone....Option three, stay at home---haha yea....not gonna happen.
So anywho, I miss Rebecca Phillips alot. She has been studying abroad in Scotland all semester and I feel like her being right down the hall is something I miss tremendously. However, we get to be roommates next year and...Well, it's worth the wait.
I've come to the conclusion that my mom is straight up, my number one hero. It has just been so apparent to me lately the sacrifices she makes and how unnoticed they go. Her examples as a friend, wife, and mother all provide great standards to how I hope to live my life in each of those categories. I want so badly to be a mommy and a wifey. Actually, I'm kinda cool with just being a mommy but I kinda need the wifey role first I guess. I'm not there yet. I am just ready for the next stage of life. I don't want to wish it all away, yet I do. I mean, I want to truly cherish the time God gives me and grab hold of every opportunity He presents, but life is hard and I just keep idealizing the future. It's such an endless cycle. I remember being in high school and just wishing I could be in college. Now I am in college just wishing I could be in the next phase. What is wrong with me? I feel like this is a common trend among people in general, especially folk my age. I guess it's because we are in such a limbo-stage right now. College isn't new and exciting anymore, just hard; and as we are almost halfway finished, the end is near and our futures are on the horizon. I have a feeling once I reach that coveted place where the sun meets the earth however, that I will wish I could go back to where I am right now...and cherish it. I feel like a cra cra. I just wanna enjoy life. Cherish every moment. But that is such a fantasy because it is so hard to enjoy school. It is such a pain in the you know what. So, I just need to suck it up, get over myself, and find joy even when it seems impossible. I must cling to Christ, surrounded by encouraging people and focus. focus. focus!
Well that was motivating...so motivating that I'm going to not write my essay and go to bed...holding it off for yet another day.
But first, let's talk bout the possibility of love. So I'm the cynical one, believing whole heartedly that love is only for the few fortunate ones and that seeking companionship is my best bet. Damn you Jane Austen and your ideals of romance, Emma had it right marrying her best friend. That's pretty much been my mentality for the past six years or so. Keep my heart closed and don't get hurt right? Well then in waltzed this lil guy, young and naive. I didn't even have him on my radar. He fooled me. I fell and I fell hard. I was so angry. I don't know if I was more angry for letting someone in foolishly and allowing myself to get hurt or more angry at the fact that I was right all along and the only one who could not break my heart was Jesus. So far, I'm right. I decided that after that, I was done with love for good; no guy could be the guy I pictured in my head. That was fantasy, and we live in a world of reality. so... I decided I was done looking. But apparently I was not done being found. After 5 years of hardly any communication with one another, in walks mister perfect himself. The fella in my head, but in the flesh. Too good to be true? That's what my head is telling me. And although my heart thinks different, my noggin has a better track record. So for now, I am attempting to listen to my head hoping that he will prove me wrong. I want to believe in love. I do. Because I see so many examples of 60 year marriages and they are still so in love...but I also know that I can't go wrong with marrying someone I love dearly as a friend. It's a lot less risky. So many walls. But I fear he has the right tools for tearing them down...and that scares me to death. For now, we are playing catch up. 5 years and little contact begs for some get to know you time. So, I am working on falling more in love with Jesus and waiting to see if true love between a man and woman exists. and if it does, what in the world does it look like? Number 9 on the bucket list? Get married to the love of my life. Let's see if I get to cross that one off.