Prepping for Project

As this summer has already proved itself the best I've ever had, I am starting to get really excited about what the Lord will do with the next ten weeks of my life. Unlike most discipleship-oriented events I've attended, summer beach project does not cater solely to spiritual highs. Instead, I am embarking on a journey with my Savior to find my identity in Him as we go through good times and bad times. I'll be living in close quarters with 8 or so girls--some of which I may or may not know. I'm going to work hard and get up and go to work even on the days I don't feel like it. I'm going to have to follow some fairly strict rules and lead a discipleship group that I feel ill-equipped for. It will be no picnic. Yet, as the day of my departure nears, I have trouble experiencing any emotion other than excitement. As I have been getting ready for project over the past three weeks, praying and studying the Word, God has already taught me so much about who I am in Him and given me a small taste of what He wants to do with me and I'm hooked! In addition to the aforementioned hurdles, SBP seems like it is going to be full of adventures, new friends, building strong Godly bonds with my fellow sisters in Christ, perhaps even mending a bond once broken. Ten intense weeks dedicated to nothing more than spiritual exhortation. This calls for an incredible, though undoubtedly hard, experience.

Having only decided to go less than two months ago, I was very reserved in the beginning and reluctant to get excited, deciding instead to dwell on the negative and hardships I was sure to face. As soon as I called on God to begin preparing me for what He wants to teach me, however, my attitude towards the trip began to change. Even with this change of attitude I did my best to ask God to reign supreme over my summer, but was still having trouble at times giving Him control. I still felt I could handle what was to come. Then, a couple of days ago, one of the Campus Outreach staff called me and told me they were short on Dgroup leaders and asked if I would do it. Without hesitation I said yes, almost before I even gave it a thought. I told her I was super nervous about it though and was worried I would do a bad job. She reminded me that I would mess up and that I had to give it to God or I wouldn't make it through my summer. With this new addition of responsibility, I had no choice to constantly capitulate my summer and preparation to God. Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just remember that I need to submit that to God through prayer and His peace, which I don't understand, will fill me.

So here goes, I feel this summer will end with me a new person. I hope so. I want to constantly be changed to look more like Christ. I can't even fathom the journey that lies in store for me. I have no expectations, I am just freely giving every day to the Lord. I ask for and thank you for your prayers. I will update as much as possible to inform those that support me on what God is doing in my life.

Come Friday, its off to Destin!

good triumphs over evil

this is a subject I'm anxious to talk about as it is so taboo but...here goes anywho

so the death penalty...

yea I know.

some people are so passionately for or against, but since the very start of my freshman year I have set off to venture how I truly feel about this and find myself so often caught in the middle.

Picture this: you and your mom (who you love more than anyone in the world) are taking a stroll down the street and some fella pulls out a gun, demands some cash, and then just unloads on her. i know it's graphic, but I feel like I have to put it in such perspective in order to see truth.

So what's your reaction? As a Christian, I feel like my reaction should be to love and offer forgiveness. although everything in my wants to kill the person myself. Yet, do I find myself content with the fact that he is served with the death penalty? death for death? Is justice then served? Does ending this man's life comfort me or bring my mom back? comfort--perhaps. but definitely doesn't change the situation.

Ultimately my decision is made, and has been for quite sometime. I believe I am no more righteous than a murderer due to my beliefs. I know that my God will serve justice better than any man could and that I would prefer Him to be judge. Of course, I don't want this man running around the streets right? Life in prison? definitely. Yet I have no faith in our judicial system these days, corrupt as it is. Odds are the guy could get like 15-20 years with some probation. So justice? I'll leave it up to God. Forgiveness? I can only offer it through Christ's love.

Okay, to my next point...Good vs. evil. A most common theme throughout literature and movies. From Braveheart to Superman, from Robin Hood to Peter Pan, from The little Mermaid to Gladiator. I mean, there are really only a handful of examples that don't contain some element of good vs evil. We are fed this idea that good triumphs over evil constantly as it is engrained in our culture. I believe this originates from the love letter God writes on our hearts upon creation. Because one day, good will triumph over evil. Satan will be vanquished and Christ will be King. That gets me excited. But the fear I have comes in how far we have taken this idea. How far we have stolen justice from the true Judge's hands and bestowed it upon ourselves to triumph over evil. I just finished watching the movie Edge of Darkness with Mel Gibson. I must say, it was a good movie. Basically, someone murders this guy's daughter right in front of him and he seeks justice, killing a number of "bad guys" along the way. Throughout the movie, I found myself torn between rooting him on and feeling disgusted that I, as an intended audience, am expected to root him on. He is fulfilling any person's desire to take justice into their own hands and, as he is a law official, he seems to bear the right to do so. but i have to consider down to the core that when he kills those men, it is murder. I can't believe how often I forget that when watching movies.

Ultimately, nothing is black or white. What about self defense? What about war? I mean, where do you draw the line? i must say I can't give solid answers. Most situations do need to be looked at case by case. I guess ultimately I just want to be careful when it comes to cheering on the "good guy" in movies. I feel its treading on dangerous water, making myself immune to killing if it is in the name of justice. But justice pertains to a manner of perspective--whether considering what acts deserve it and to what degree it may be served. Still quite taboo. Just some things I was pondering.

A time for reflections

As I approach the official date proving my existence for two whole decades, I've really been taking the time to reflect on my life. The good, the bad. The unexpected. The heartwrenching. The enlightment. The pain. The fun. The growth. Friends that come. Friends that grow. Teaching. Learning. Hobbies. Boyfriends. Ex-boyfriends. Family. God. Reflecting on all of this, I don't even know what to say or what to think. I remember being young and thinking 20 was so old. Now that I'm here, I feel like I have so much life ahead of me but I know I've lived so much. It just feels like yesterday that Madison Conley and I were having our sleepovers every weekend and inventing new songs. Or walking the halls of North Hall Middle school during my very very awkward years. Friends. I couldnt count the friends I've had. Some--my entire life. Some have gone. I've never really had just one best friend, I've always been the one to go from friend group to friend group, never able to identify just ONE best friend. I don't think that will ever change; I'm okay with that. My friends have played such a huge role in making me who I am today. Whether it be because of their negative influence or their constant exhortation in my relationship with the Lord. Whether they be transient friends or friends that never leave my side. I've had a lifetime worth of adventures with the beautiful friends in my life and don't regret having any of them. Boyfriends. my goodness. my first date. the first time I held hands with a boy. my first kiss. mistakes. lessons. great times. strength. I can't believe all of these things have already happened. It seems just yesterday I was nervous about holding hands with a boy in 7th grade. And here I am today--too much experience with relationships. lots of hurt. lots of growth. lots of memories--good and bad. I always thought I would be the one to marry right out of college. Marry the man of my dreams, have a houseful of beautiful children and be a stay at home mom while my hubby brought home the dough. Now, I'm learning to come to grips with the potential plans God has for me. Where I am in my life now, I don't see that dream coming true--I dont' want it to. In fact, God is teaching me to forego any thoughts regarding a family in my future. Not that I won't have one, but just not to plan for one because I need to focus on where I am now. Honestly, I may not marry till I'm 34. So if I am so deadset on having a family at 26 and it doesn't happen, what kind of corner will I have backed myself into? Man, I've come a long way. Family. the one constant thing in my life right below Jesus. But we've been through so much together. Even through it all, I know they got my back and vice versa. I feel beyond fortunate to have the family I do. I would hand pick them out of all the family in the world. They have also had a huge hand in shaping me into who I am. My parents are incredible. My dad is the hardest worker I know and my mom is the strongest human that has ever lived. I admire them so much and I know if I can truly live how they have taught me, I'll be doing pretty good. Here I am, 3 finals and 2 essays away from being half way finished with my undergrad. I can't believe it. The years go by faster and faster. Which is just another way God is teaching me to sieze every opportunity I can. And not be foolish in taking for granted the time He has given me to serve others and Him. So here's to being 20. I can't believe it's here. I have lived such a full life already and I can imagine what's in store for the next 20.

Thank you Lord, for the experiences, the people, the life you've given me. I want to honor you with this gift.