Spending Time with My Maker

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy with readjusting to school, focusing on ministry, and trying to not lose momentum in the "China Process". My last few weeks with the LORD have been filled with much conviction and growth. I feel He is bringing me to a period of refinement; showing me areas of my life that I will most likely struggle in for a long time, perhaps even forever. Much of this has come in getting closer to that ever-so-taboo term "future".

One of the biggest areas I feel God revealing sin is in ministry...more specifically, my heart in ministry. There are a few verses and quotes that He used as tools to bring me to this revelation:
Psalm 37:3-5
Trust in the LORD, and do good; DWELL in the land, and FEED on His faithfulness. DELIGHT yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. COMMIT your way to the LORD, TRUST also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
-->Often in ministry, my heart is so dedicated to going, and doing, and laboring for the Lord. But I get it so out of order. The psalmist makes it so clear here that I Dwell, Feed, Delight, Commit, and Trust in the Lord...then He brings everything to pass. I so often feel that everyone's salvation is on my shoulders so I have to keep going and going till I feel ragged. But all the pouring out is in vain for me, because I am not being poured into. I am not dwelling in His presence.
"Beware of anything that competes with loyalty to Jesus Christ. The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for Him." -Oswald Chambers
Psalm 27:8
When you said "seek My face," my heart said to you, "your face, LORD, I will seek."
-->Notice this verse does not say..."...I will seek your face as soon as I am finished ____, and you can totally have what's left over." So why is that so often my response?
"The enjoyment of God is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the ocean." -Jonathan Edwards.
My personal fave:
"Guard Jealously your relationship to God...If you are depending on anything but Him, you will never know when He is gone." Oswald Chambers
--> I think this is my biggest fear at this point. Am I so concerned with being poured into by my friends, leaders, books, quotes that I won't even notice if God's presence leaves me?! Am I so focused on doing and going that I don't even worry if He is there with me? I want to cry out to God the same concern as Moses...when he proclaimed he would not go anywhere, including the promise land, if God's presence was not there. Oh, I hope that is my cry. If I have nothing but my Father, I have everything. No matter where you call me to go, or what you call me to do, I have you. You are mine. I am yours. And if for one second, my heart wanders, I pray conviction strike me so hard. I pray that the absence of my God send chills up my spine. I want You to strip everything away so that it is just me and You. Nothing compromises my time with you-including ministry. Because if I go like this, I will dwindle. I will be ineffective for Your kingdom because You are not with me. Teach me. Disciple me. Wound me if you have to.
Proverbs 2:1-6
My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom and apply your heart to understanding; yes, if you cry out for discernment, And lift up your voice for understanding. If you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
--> Only through crying out to You can I find a fear for You. I want to fear You so that I would never forget you. What keeps me from surrendering to you as Lord over my life? What keeps me from seeking, and crying out, and opening my ears?
Matthew 22:34-40. These verses talk about the greatest commandments. Love God. Love People. Yet, I forget, all too often, the order. So often I focus on the loving people part. Not a bad thing--as long as I'm understanding the first part-loving God. There is a reason we are to love Him first. He is our purpose, He fills us, we can't TRULY love others without loving Him. He must pour into us, so that we can pour into others.
And the final one, that I just LOVE:
Isaiah 48:9-11 For my name's sake I will defer my anger, so that I do not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, I will do it; For how should My name be profaned? And I will not give My glory to another.
---> The purpose in all that we go through...the purpose that we are refined---HIS GLORY. As He allows us to be wounded and taught and refined, knowing it is all for His glory...doesn't that make that suffering all the better?! and so worth it? It is not so we look like better Christians, or feel better, not so that other people think we are good....but for His Glory. The other products are just bonuses. But even if we got nothing through it all...and when we get nothing through it all...that's okay! Cuz it's for His Glory. And thinking and meditating on what brings Him glory the conclusion comes that He delights the most when we are seeking Him and sitting in His presence. Some wonderful thinkers that have come to this conclusion put it best:
"The greatest display of God's glory comes from deep delight in all that He is." John Piper
-->Does the word "ministry" come up here? What about "do"? No!--DELIGHT. we are to DELIGHT in Him. That's what brings Him glory. Ministry and doing come as a natural overflow from delighting in Him.
"There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes...Am I so in love with Him that I take no account of where I go? Or am I watching for the respect due to me; weighing how much service I ought to give?" Oswald Chambers.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are teaching me. Molding me. Urging me to trust in You, seek You, delight in You. Showing me Your passion for Your own glory. Your desire to be delighted by me. Showing me that comes from spending time with You.

"Consecration means the CONTINUAL separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?" Oswald Chambers