A New Year, A New Me

Well now is probably the time for reflections eh? Let's see, this time one year ago, I had just finished up my first semester at Berry and my parents told me I had to transfer and this would be my last semester. I was still with Joel, things with us were going really well. Christy was about to come over in a couple of days to spend a little while with me. I was soon thereafter to leave for Winter Retreat with BOLD. Man, I hadn't even worked for BOLD yet. That next semester was wonderful. BOLD was amazing. I became really good friends with Dustin and finally felt like I was finding my place in the world. I went about that semester as if it were my last at Berry and it was fun. Improvathon, awesome group of friends, lots of training with BOLD. The week of finals, I find out I am staying at Berry, Christy is my roommate, and I'm going to be a Freshman mentor. I then decided I would be working on campus all semester in hopes of making lots o money and gaining lots of awesome experience. The latter worked out pretty good...the former...well not so much. But it was a great summer, full of independence and learning. I realized I'm going to be able to make it on my own and still be the person I want to be with the morals I've always stood behind. I learned alot about myself and I felt really put together. This past semester has been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I felt my biggest spiritual high and spiritual low. I hated my classes. Joel and I broke up. I found someone else later and went through what may be the greatest heartbreak I've ever felt. I made some really incredible new friends. I fell out of step with many of my old friends, but I know that's temporary. I did okay with my grades. I figured out what I want to do with my life. My family fell apart while staying together. I lost the person I found this summer.
I've never really been a huge fan of resolutions but I've never felt like such an impostor. I've never hated myself so much. I'm happy with where my life is headed as far as a career path, but I hate the decisions I've made in the past few months. It has taken me till the past week to realize that. So I'm going to give the resolution thing a try. I go to Passion this weekend and that seems like the best start to a new year. My goals this year?
1. Grow closer to God. That is always a goal on my list but as of late, it has been something that scares me and I have been trying to avoid it. Praying is about all I do to communicate to God and I am at a place where I wouldn't blame him if he didn't listen. So, I want to grow in him. In the ways that I was beginning to last semester. I want to fall in love with his words and be in constant communication with him.
2. In order to accomplish goal number one, I am going to surround myself with a different group of people. I have recently found some great folks who are very encouraging in my walk with Christ.
3. In order to fully accomplish goal number three, I am going to get more involved with Campus Outreach.
4. I am going to excel in my academics. I am going to do more than just what I need to get by. I am paying for an education and I want to get the most out of it.
5. I am going to dedicate myself, again, to BOLD. It is my calling in life and I want to really step up in that area. I really started to slack off towards the end of last semester and I want my passion back.

All of these things can really happen by getting rid of one person in my life and growing closer to God.

So, 2010 here we come. I am ready for ya!

2 weeks down, 2 to go

What an emotional break this one has been. Aside from all that is going on with my family, my love life crashed and burned in less than a week. Oh well, guess I should have seen that coming. It's always too good to be true ya know? On a brighter note, it has been a most refreshing break thus far. I've been climbing both Wednesdays I've been home and plan to go the last two wednesdays. When I'm climbing, my mind, which is usually running 90 miles an hour, is blank. All I can think about is conquering the wall in front of me. It's the best release I have. As far as reading goes, my former happy place, it has been a pain doing so this break. Compared to last winter break when I read 8 books, these past two weeks I've hardly gotten through 2 1/2. I can't focus on what's in front of me when reading and I hate that. I just feel like I can't figure out who I am anymore. I feel like my family thinks I am a stranger and wish I weren't here. I'm trying to be helpful and appreciated, I just think my efforts are all in vain. I need a fresh start. Lucky for me, 2010 is but 4 days away and it can't come soon enough. I've always thought resolutions were a dumb idea; but i think the symbolism behind a new year being a fresh start might just be what I need. Guess we'll see. I'm trying to overcome hard times and not let it get to me. Count my blessings. Dwell on the good. My thoughts get the best of me at times but, mind over matter right? However the matter I must overcome are my thoughts themselves. mind over thoughts? seems a bit contradicting. I'll figure this out, I'll get through it. I always manage to, just gotta keep on keepin on....

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays...

As school is FINALLY winding down and home is approaching quickly, the stress that should be depleting is only growing stronger. Besides the fact that I have a paper due Monday that is way over my head and then 5 finals, home is not exactly a stress free environment at the moment. It's funny because our little "pot thoughts" for the week by the peer educators references family stress and things to do if you aren't looking forward to going home. It's hard because I know the decisions I'm making in life are the right ones, but they come off as selfish to my family.
Apparently this is just another part of growing up. Learning how to respect your parents and value their opinions, but realize that it's okay to make decisions they may not agree with as long as they are lining up with what God wants. I struggle so much with that. My parents opinions are the ones I value more than any. Even God's....Which is a sin. I just feel so guilty for making them think I am being selfish and being angry with them for not letting me make my own decisions. This, of course, is only piling on top of the regular stress my family is going through, which I don't want to add to. It's a hard place to be in.
So as I waste this time blogging classifying it as a break while writing my dreaded paper, I wish I were elsewhere. I was supposed to go to Athens this morning to watch a frisbee tournament but I decided last night I should really spend today working on schoolwork. Now, I question that decision. It was the right one, but I am so miserable here right now knowing I could be having fun watching some frisbee with some pretty incredible people. So, I'm in a sad mood this morning, reflecting on all of this.
I feel so complainy...what a terrible blog. I needed to vent though, so this is the place to do it. So, in conclusion, I guess we can say the learning process has brought me to two hard lessons:
1. sometimes you have to forgo your parents opinion in order to do what's best for you. 2. don't procrastinate so you can go watch frisbee in athens on a saturday before finals week.

Just trying to spread the wisdom...