A New Year, A New Me

Well now is probably the time for reflections eh? Let's see, this time one year ago, I had just finished up my first semester at Berry and my parents told me I had to transfer and this would be my last semester. I was still with Joel, things with us were going really well. Christy was about to come over in a couple of days to spend a little while with me. I was soon thereafter to leave for Winter Retreat with BOLD. Man, I hadn't even worked for BOLD yet. That next semester was wonderful. BOLD was amazing. I became really good friends with Dustin and finally felt like I was finding my place in the world. I went about that semester as if it were my last at Berry and it was fun. Improvathon, awesome group of friends, lots of training with BOLD. The week of finals, I find out I am staying at Berry, Christy is my roommate, and I'm going to be a Freshman mentor. I then decided I would be working on campus all semester in hopes of making lots o money and gaining lots of awesome experience. The latter worked out pretty good...the former...well not so much. But it was a great summer, full of independence and learning. I realized I'm going to be able to make it on my own and still be the person I want to be with the morals I've always stood behind. I learned alot about myself and I felt really put together. This past semester has been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I felt my biggest spiritual high and spiritual low. I hated my classes. Joel and I broke up. I found someone else later and went through what may be the greatest heartbreak I've ever felt. I made some really incredible new friends. I fell out of step with many of my old friends, but I know that's temporary. I did okay with my grades. I figured out what I want to do with my life. My family fell apart while staying together. I lost the person I found this summer.
I've never really been a huge fan of resolutions but I've never felt like such an impostor. I've never hated myself so much. I'm happy with where my life is headed as far as a career path, but I hate the decisions I've made in the past few months. It has taken me till the past week to realize that. So I'm going to give the resolution thing a try. I go to Passion this weekend and that seems like the best start to a new year. My goals this year?
1. Grow closer to God. That is always a goal on my list but as of late, it has been something that scares me and I have been trying to avoid it. Praying is about all I do to communicate to God and I am at a place where I wouldn't blame him if he didn't listen. So, I want to grow in him. In the ways that I was beginning to last semester. I want to fall in love with his words and be in constant communication with him.
2. In order to accomplish goal number one, I am going to surround myself with a different group of people. I have recently found some great folks who are very encouraging in my walk with Christ.
3. In order to fully accomplish goal number three, I am going to get more involved with Campus Outreach.
4. I am going to excel in my academics. I am going to do more than just what I need to get by. I am paying for an education and I want to get the most out of it.
5. I am going to dedicate myself, again, to BOLD. It is my calling in life and I want to really step up in that area. I really started to slack off towards the end of last semester and I want my passion back.

All of these things can really happen by getting rid of one person in my life and growing closer to God.

So, 2010 here we come. I am ready for ya!

2 weeks down, 2 to go

What an emotional break this one has been. Aside from all that is going on with my family, my love life crashed and burned in less than a week. Oh well, guess I should have seen that coming. It's always too good to be true ya know? On a brighter note, it has been a most refreshing break thus far. I've been climbing both Wednesdays I've been home and plan to go the last two wednesdays. When I'm climbing, my mind, which is usually running 90 miles an hour, is blank. All I can think about is conquering the wall in front of me. It's the best release I have. As far as reading goes, my former happy place, it has been a pain doing so this break. Compared to last winter break when I read 8 books, these past two weeks I've hardly gotten through 2 1/2. I can't focus on what's in front of me when reading and I hate that. I just feel like I can't figure out who I am anymore. I feel like my family thinks I am a stranger and wish I weren't here. I'm trying to be helpful and appreciated, I just think my efforts are all in vain. I need a fresh start. Lucky for me, 2010 is but 4 days away and it can't come soon enough. I've always thought resolutions were a dumb idea; but i think the symbolism behind a new year being a fresh start might just be what I need. Guess we'll see. I'm trying to overcome hard times and not let it get to me. Count my blessings. Dwell on the good. My thoughts get the best of me at times but, mind over matter right? However the matter I must overcome are my thoughts themselves. mind over thoughts? seems a bit contradicting. I'll figure this out, I'll get through it. I always manage to, just gotta keep on keepin on....

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays...

As school is FINALLY winding down and home is approaching quickly, the stress that should be depleting is only growing stronger. Besides the fact that I have a paper due Monday that is way over my head and then 5 finals, home is not exactly a stress free environment at the moment. It's funny because our little "pot thoughts" for the week by the peer educators references family stress and things to do if you aren't looking forward to going home. It's hard because I know the decisions I'm making in life are the right ones, but they come off as selfish to my family.
Apparently this is just another part of growing up. Learning how to respect your parents and value their opinions, but realize that it's okay to make decisions they may not agree with as long as they are lining up with what God wants. I struggle so much with that. My parents opinions are the ones I value more than any. Even God's....Which is a sin. I just feel so guilty for making them think I am being selfish and being angry with them for not letting me make my own decisions. This, of course, is only piling on top of the regular stress my family is going through, which I don't want to add to. It's a hard place to be in.
So as I waste this time blogging classifying it as a break while writing my dreaded paper, I wish I were elsewhere. I was supposed to go to Athens this morning to watch a frisbee tournament but I decided last night I should really spend today working on schoolwork. Now, I question that decision. It was the right one, but I am so miserable here right now knowing I could be having fun watching some frisbee with some pretty incredible people. So, I'm in a sad mood this morning, reflecting on all of this.
I feel so complainy...what a terrible blog. I needed to vent though, so this is the place to do it. So, in conclusion, I guess we can say the learning process has brought me to two hard lessons:
1. sometimes you have to forgo your parents opinion in order to do what's best for you. 2. don't procrastinate so you can go watch frisbee in athens on a saturday before finals week.

Just trying to spread the wisdom...

Act Like a Christian

For reals I love how every time I've spent time in the Word, all that I am reading has lined up. With my bible study with girls at work, we are reading Ephesians 4:22-5:21 which purdy much sums up how a Christian is supposed to act. Then, in my Paul study, the author is talking about living by the law through love for the author of the law. As she was talking about Paul and his transition to becoming a legalistic Pharisee, I was realizing how deeply I am falling in love with God. I find myself gripping at every sentence I read in His word and am so overjoyed when I learn his teachings. As I was reading about God's mercy for us my heart was filled with gladness and I got the same butterflies I do when I have crush on someone. I really like having a crush on God. He just makes me so joyful and excited to learn. I just want to have this same passion every time I read His words. I never again want to get caught up in the religion of reading His word because I am supposed to. While reading Ephesians I couldnt' help but get excited about following the guidelines to living like a Christian instead of feeling like I have to. As Beth Moore put it in a prayer to God "Give us hearts of devotion, not heads full of religion." God is giving me a heart of devotion, maybe for the first time in my life; and I am so captivated by this new love I have for Him.

Walk as children of the light (for the fruit of the spirit is in all goodness, righteousness and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. Ephesians 5:8-10

To whom I belong

My bible studies lined up this morning, which to me is always a sign that God is really wanting me to learn this particular point. The first part, Matthew 5:14-16 which, as you know, is talking bout being a City on a Hill and shining your light before all men so that they might find Christ. Then, in my Paul study, the author is explaining the various child rearing practices in the Jewish faith and the many stages a boy must go through. She ends speaking of his becoming a man at 13. I knew this was the case with Jewish religion but I didn't know that after they become men they must robe themselves in phylacteries, which are these cubes with long straps that are worn on the left arm and forehead. The cubes hold passages from the Torah and are meant to be reminders of who you are as a Jew and what you stand for. I thought this was pretty incredible. How great would it be to have these crazy little cubes on your forehead that let others know you are a Christian? As followers of Christ, we still must practice this same idea, just not so literally, which makes it a bit harder to remind yourself. This part of the chapter really stood out to me: You see, a thirteen-year-old Hebrew boy could not even get out of bed in the morning without remembering to whom he belonged. As he would the straps of the phylacteries around his head and arm, he was reminded of his binding relationship to his Creator. Soberly, he assumed teh responsibility of one associated with God. The law of the Lord was his life. I mean, how powerful is that? I desire so strongly to put on my own phylacteries daily, by hiding His words in my heart, and removing any bushels that keep my light from shining to the world. I want to be so consumed with the God's love and His words that they are both constantly revealed to me throughout the day.
Matthew 5:14-16 You are the light of the world. A city that is set on hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put in under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Set Apart

It's been like a week since I blogged. That's depressing. I need to do better. I have been thinking about a great deal of shtuff lately and I should be writing about it seeing as how that is the best way I think. Joel and I broke up last week which has actually been quite incredible. Things with us were good, we were content, we got along, no big deal. However, after a late night phone chat we had last week, he really opened my eyes to the fact that we were in a place of mediocrity, we both know that we could be a heck of a lot happier, but why take that risk when what we have is tolerable? I realized how scared I was to not be with him. He has been a part of my life for nearly two years and every moment has been fun. We hardly argued, and by hardly I mean you would have better luck running into a unicorn. We truly cared for the other's well being more than our own. We always had fun together. We meshed many of our own hobbies together and found some common ground. My family loved him. His fam...well my family loved him. Everyone thought we were great. Hell, I thought we were great. So it really threw me off guard when he told me he didn't think we were going to make it. Yet, after we talked it out, I realized everything I just described to you is a friendship. We had nothing more. We were definitely attracted to one another. We loved one another. But beyond that, there was nothing more. We had no passion, no romance. I didn't think these things were important, but recent events have shown me that those things exist, and that they are wonderful and crucial to a dating relationship. Beyond that, we are in totally different places right now. He has a house and a job and the next step for him is marriage, naturally. For me, I am only in my second year in college, loving every moment, changing my mind all the time as to what I want to do with my life. but there are things I want to do that I wouldn't be able to do with him. Things I wasn't really ready to sacrifice. I think there is someone out there way better for him. I am praying now that he finds her. The good news is, we are still so close. In fact, our relationship hasn't really changed, which proves to me how much more of a friendship it was rather than a romance. We are always going to be friends, and I hope we will always be the friends we are right now. We are going to hang out all the time, we talk every day. It's exactly what we both want. So now, he is focusing on himself, and I'm focusing on me, and that's what we both need.


So, today, I was reading a bit about Paul and the author of the study mentioned something that truly blew my mind.
She said:"As God carefully watched the small child at paly, at school, and at worship, I wonder if He thought, Someday, My child, you will work for Me.
At first, I thought, O yea, Paul is awesome, I bet God was so looking forward to watching his transformation and anticipating the incredible influential journey they had together. And it hit me, Beth Anne, God thinks the same things towards you. When He created you, and you entered this world, He said "I can't wait to share the moments we will have. And watch my daughter grow into the woman I designed her to be. It's going to be wonderful and she will change the world." Paul is Paul because he followed God's plan for his life. Without his fervent dedication and unyielding faith, he would have just been Paul, or more accurately, Saul. God is calling me out in this area. He is waiting so patiently for me to give it all up and follow Him. It's Paul that says To Live Is Christ, To Die Is Gain and who better an example that truly lived that out in his life. It is because he died to himself and let God live through him everyday, that he became the most significant symbol, next to Jesus, of Christendom. The only thing holding me back from being just as influential and just as intimate to Christ, is me. God set me apart. He created me to do great things for Him. I want to do those things. I will begin the action steps in order to make that happen. I want God to be my life, not a part of it. I want everyone who meets me to immediately see Christ in me, whether it repels them or attracts them. I want to smell like the sweet aroma of Christ so that when I enter a room everyone will know who I have been with. I can't wait for this very difficult journey with my Creator. I am learning so much. He loves me so much. He accepts me for all that I am. He is unconditionally devoted to me and He desires all of that in return.
"God, who set me apart from birth and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles" Galatians 1:15-16

A Slump of Sorts...

The first time I was told about the Sophomore slump was within the first month of my Freshman year. Some of my friends that were Juniors had me and another friend over for dinner one night and the way they put it, it's nothing you can control or explain, but it's pretty miserable. Since that night, I hadn't thought much of it until this semester. I'm three months in to my first semester as a Sophomore and I can truly admit that it is dreadful and just as my friends put it last year, it is unexplainable. I feel stuck, more than ever, between adolescence and adulthood. I think the percentage of how badly I want to stay a child is equally a part of me as wanting to grow up. Maybe that's a large factor, who knows? I can tell that it is not targeted by one thing. I think this transition in life has been a long time coming, but I feel it really started to develop over the summer. Nothing particularly life changing happened this summer, maybe that was the problem?

I think I can honestly say this is the only time in my Christian life that I have felt a complete hault in my relationship with God. It isn't really a backward motion, but I'm not going forward either; I've always heard preachers say "if you aren't going forward the only place you can go is backward," but I definitely disagree. I am honestly at a standstill. It's tiring and frustrating and I'm ready for something new. Or maybe I'm ready for something old. Most of the people in my life right now are brand new. Much of that a result of being a mentor, which I love. Another reason is because all my old friends live on the other side of campus. Although I cherish my new friends so close to my heart, I wish I could go back to the way things were. Is that possible? At this point I'm going to say no. I am in a totally new world with new people, new responsibilities and new loves, I can't be who I was, but I would somehow love to combine the me from last year with the me from this year. I'm just ready to move on.

As the once loved Relient K once said " forward motion is harder than it sounds, and every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again."